I want to write and to continue this blog but I wonder what benefit is created by the effort. Is it read? Does it matter? Where could I go with it in the future, if I do continue it? I’ve thought of this as my letter to the open void of the potential audience. “Hey, here I am and here’s what life is like for someone like me.” Increasingly, though, I feel like a member of a very rare type of human. One that finds few I can truly share myself with and feel safe. I feel out of step within the job I have and with many I encounter, just as I did when growing up. Some days, when even those you think of as friends reveal that they see your struggle in life as irrelevant and those who were supposed to love you instinctively only use their power to harm you further… Those are the days that get carried around for so much longer than I actually imagine possible, forming part of the strange shell around me.
Who am I? I’m loved--I know that unquestionably-- by people who really know me. I carry that, too. I’m also the woman who has been abused over and over again under a bright, shiny, banner of “love.” So, how do I keep the two separated? Lately, that’s difficult. Emotional flashbacks or some variant of that popped up not long ago, leaving me feeling even more unsafe and unsafe for others to have in their lives. I have a new niece that I can’t see, yet my mother sends me pictures of her, tauntingly claiming regret for herself and again shifting the burden of choice onto my shoulders and stamping me the one who isn’t participating in having a family. My ex-husband died. His sister messages me to tell me he still “loved” me. I feel the pain of the blows he dealt me just as much today as at the time I received them. So, where do I file all these things?
I feel comfort with the person I hope I can share the rest of my life with in a healthy way. I want to build something good and safe and nurturing with him. And, I keep hoping, despite the hurts and wounds that intrude on that that I actually can accomplish it. Today, though, I’m just trying to keep from grinding my teeth together at this draining job until I can return to that comfort and safety.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
3/7/12
I’ve been feeling totally devoid of ways to express what my daily life has become since last writing. Ways exist, undoubtedly, but I’ve found some of those seem trite in print. And, I suppose it’s only fair to add that just living life happily seems to take more time than one might think. So, I will fall back on a list. A list! Oh, boy!
1) I think a lot, on a daily basis, about why this country seems to be shifting into more and more deeply entrenched factions and why a lot of that seems to be devoted to waging a war on women and women’s rights.
2) Love. Oh, the things I could say on this topic… It is bigger and more beautiful than I imagined and, yet, simpler at the same time. It’s been interesting to realize that I have a greater capacity for joy than I thought I had. It’s been a joy to see that there are good things inside me that just needed safety and support to appear.
3) Matt! Beautiful, wonderful, kind, funny, brilliant, playful, giving, lovable bookworm Matt!
4) Things are a-brewing with regard to positive career changes.
5) Some days I think I miss having had real parents in my life until I realize I still don’t really know what that means. I miss the munchkins a lot. The pattern of coping with that is mainly to send cards when I can and hope they get those and any birthday or holiday gifts yet. Most days, I wonder if they hate me or miss me.
6) Some knitting going on but slowly. I taught a couple people to knit recently, one of whom lamented her lack of speed at it and I realized that she’s already almost as fast as I am.
7) Mostly, I’m getting a lot of reading done and loving every minute of it. I spend at least one afternoon each weekend with my love at a bookstore, browsing and, occasionally, buying works to feed our mutual addiction.
And, that’s all I have at the moment. PSG draws ever closer and keeps me anticipating a return home.
1) I think a lot, on a daily basis, about why this country seems to be shifting into more and more deeply entrenched factions and why a lot of that seems to be devoted to waging a war on women and women’s rights.
2) Love. Oh, the things I could say on this topic… It is bigger and more beautiful than I imagined and, yet, simpler at the same time. It’s been interesting to realize that I have a greater capacity for joy than I thought I had. It’s been a joy to see that there are good things inside me that just needed safety and support to appear.
3) Matt! Beautiful, wonderful, kind, funny, brilliant, playful, giving, lovable bookworm Matt!
4) Things are a-brewing with regard to positive career changes.
5) Some days I think I miss having had real parents in my life until I realize I still don’t really know what that means. I miss the munchkins a lot. The pattern of coping with that is mainly to send cards when I can and hope they get those and any birthday or holiday gifts yet. Most days, I wonder if they hate me or miss me.
6) Some knitting going on but slowly. I taught a couple people to knit recently, one of whom lamented her lack of speed at it and I realized that she’s already almost as fast as I am.
7) Mostly, I’m getting a lot of reading done and loving every minute of it. I spend at least one afternoon each weekend with my love at a bookstore, browsing and, occasionally, buying works to feed our mutual addiction.
And, that’s all I have at the moment. PSG draws ever closer and keeps me anticipating a return home.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
12.7.2011
Hey Santa,
Yes, I know you're not REAL real. But, I figure there might be some force in the universe that pays attention to this stuff. And, that possibility makes it worthwhile to send a list of some sort out there. I don't really need these things immediately or by 12/25 but, keep them in mind. I'd like them at some point, especially if this is my only go-round on this planet.
I want more happy days than sad. They don't have to be ecstatic days. The quietly happy ones are better, anyway, in the long run.
I'd like to see this country get back to valuing democracy rather than oligarchy again.
Make the munchkins (and future munchkins) confident and happy and healthy, please.
I'd like to have a house with one purple room, chickens in the back yard, a puppy, lots of nice trees, a front porch and space for a garden and a pool.
You know that guy who's making me all kinds of happy? Yeah, that one. I want him to be as happy as possible, too.
At some point, I'd like some munchkins of my own, please.
I'd really like to have a hedgehog and/or a chinchilla. They're damn cute and I promise NOT to name them George although I would love them and hug them.
How about some progress on world peace and homelessness? That'd be good in the long term.
I'd also love a job that makes me happy. Not jump and down happy, necessarily, but fulfilled and content.
That's pretty much it. Things are ticking along pretty well for me. The world could use more love and less hatred but I think we're moving it along toward that, ourselves, albeit slowly.
Yes, I know you're not REAL real. But, I figure there might be some force in the universe that pays attention to this stuff. And, that possibility makes it worthwhile to send a list of some sort out there. I don't really need these things immediately or by 12/25 but, keep them in mind. I'd like them at some point, especially if this is my only go-round on this planet.
I want more happy days than sad. They don't have to be ecstatic days. The quietly happy ones are better, anyway, in the long run.
I'd like to see this country get back to valuing democracy rather than oligarchy again.
Make the munchkins (and future munchkins) confident and happy and healthy, please.
I'd like to have a house with one purple room, chickens in the back yard, a puppy, lots of nice trees, a front porch and space for a garden and a pool.
You know that guy who's making me all kinds of happy? Yeah, that one. I want him to be as happy as possible, too.
At some point, I'd like some munchkins of my own, please.
I'd really like to have a hedgehog and/or a chinchilla. They're damn cute and I promise NOT to name them George although I would love them and hug them.
How about some progress on world peace and homelessness? That'd be good in the long term.
I'd also love a job that makes me happy. Not jump and down happy, necessarily, but fulfilled and content.
That's pretty much it. Things are ticking along pretty well for me. The world could use more love and less hatred but I think we're moving it along toward that, ourselves, albeit slowly.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
11.22.2011
For M., with love
These are the days of Atwood-tripping
Of falling upward
Of favorite Sundays and nerdlove
Sunbeam-bringing, scoopmeup love
Rainbow maker, your soul like oxygen
These are the days of cloud floating, pathway changing joy.
These are the days of Atwood-tripping
Of falling upward
Of favorite Sundays and nerdlove
Sunbeam-bringing, scoopmeup love
Rainbow maker, your soul like oxygen
These are the days of cloud floating, pathway changing joy.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
11.8.2011 (gratitude catch-up)
I am continually grateful for trees. It sounds odd to some of you, I'm sure, but I have always derived comfort from them. Spending time among trees has been a way to ground and to find peace for many years. Add that to just how simple and beautiful and varied they are and I can't imagine the world without them.
I am grateful for good, heartfelt hugs. (Do I really need to elaborate on that one? Nah.)
I am grateful for my grandpa McGuire. When I was somewhere around 10, we had a conversation in the cemetery outside the area where the Horton family reunion was held about the Great Depression and just how terribly it affected many of the people he knew who were buried in that ground. When I was in fifth grade (and this is one I've not shared with more than one or two people I think), I peed my pants because I was in the middle of a book and kept skipping bathroom breaks to finish it. He and my grandma had to come pick me up and, seeing how utterly humiliated I was, he told me a story about almost the exact same thing happening to him when he was a boy and didn't want to leave the schoolroom to go to the outhouse. I have no idea if it was true but he made me feel okay at a moment when I felt just about as low as I could get. He was beyond the mold of 99% of men of his generation.
I am grateful for my chosen sisters, Dani and Stina. They have been there since before I got divorced, helping me see my way out of a terrible maze of unhappiness and supporting me through those very dark days. Dani, I believe, was the first person to say, "Leave. It's not getting better." Both of them reassured me and listened to me cry again and again when I was broke and carless. And, neither of them shies away from telling me gently when I'm wrong and helping me accept it. Better examples of true sisterhood are hard to find.
I am grateful for good, heartfelt hugs. (Do I really need to elaborate on that one? Nah.)
I am grateful for my grandpa McGuire. When I was somewhere around 10, we had a conversation in the cemetery outside the area where the Horton family reunion was held about the Great Depression and just how terribly it affected many of the people he knew who were buried in that ground. When I was in fifth grade (and this is one I've not shared with more than one or two people I think), I peed my pants because I was in the middle of a book and kept skipping bathroom breaks to finish it. He and my grandma had to come pick me up and, seeing how utterly humiliated I was, he told me a story about almost the exact same thing happening to him when he was a boy and didn't want to leave the schoolroom to go to the outhouse. I have no idea if it was true but he made me feel okay at a moment when I felt just about as low as I could get. He was beyond the mold of 99% of men of his generation.
I am grateful for my chosen sisters, Dani and Stina. They have been there since before I got divorced, helping me see my way out of a terrible maze of unhappiness and supporting me through those very dark days. Dani, I believe, was the first person to say, "Leave. It's not getting better." Both of them reassured me and listened to me cry again and again when I was broke and carless. And, neither of them shies away from telling me gently when I'm wrong and helping me accept it. Better examples of true sisterhood are hard to find.
11.8.2011
Transference
We dance of our dreams
But we write of our truths
Carving from flesh the words
That will breathe our visions
Into another's body.
We dance of our dreams
But we write of our truths
Carving from flesh the words
That will breathe our visions
Into another's body.
Friday, November 4, 2011
11.4.2011
I am happier than I have ever been. Is that bragging?
Today, I am grateful for my therapist, Karen. She has been remarkable at what she does and, as I've felt myself healing over the last few months (despite a difficult setback or two) I've recognized that she's played a huge role in that healing. It's an immeasurable gift.
Today, I am grateful for my therapist, Karen. She has been remarkable at what she does and, as I've felt myself healing over the last few months (despite a difficult setback or two) I've recognized that she's played a huge role in that healing. It's an immeasurable gift.
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