Ick

I feel crappy today. Sorry, folks, but 'tis true. And, I try to be honest on here, I really do. And, at the moment, I feel like I'm leading a life that is viewed as naive and foolish. I probably won't tomorrow-by then, I'll probably be all shrouded in the defenses I usually keep up to keep the crap at bay. But, at the moment, I feel like that's deserted me. So, if you read this before that kicks in (and I just might remove this when that happens), you're going to read a blog written by the Anita who's medicating herself with ice cream. Think I'll let her get a few things out.

1) Why isn't there more love in the world? Real, unconditional love. Lennon said all we needed was love. I think that's true, starting with love for ourselves first. Why don't we work on that instead of worrying that we're not tough enough or strong enough?
2) I really really don't like humiliation masquerading as entertainment. It's ugly to me. All the weight loss shows/reality shows that provide people with yet more ways of pointing out how people don't fit the 'norm' and push the idea that, if only they'd change, the rest of their lives would fall magically into place upset me.
3) Am I the only person who doesn't think money, breast size and the circumference of one's thighs are adequate measures of success? Doesn't honor and kindness count in that column anymore?
4) I miss having a center to my life.
5) I never got to say this to the person who should've heard it but, no, in fact, I don't enjoy being the center of attention. The one-on-one is hard as fuck for me. All I ever wanted was to be included, to be one of a group that got along and liked each other. I wanted to be among the crowd, belonging. The center of attention? Please. That's the most uncomfortable place for me.
6) I really want a birthday party. I know it's kind of silly at this age but I want one.
7) Fuck you, Alan.
8) I wish I had a job I felt good about doing. I like having enough money to support myself and benefits and all that but I really wish I got to come home at night and be proud of what I do.
9) I would like all the papers and homework I helped various people complete (or did for them) back. Or, at least I'd like to be able to take credit for some of the really good writing I did for them for free.
10) Penelope Cruz, Rod Stewart, Brad Pitt, Quentin Tarantino-you're really really overrated. Please go away for a while.

That's it-I really am done now. Sorry for the rant.

The Thieves

They steal in
Barely ruffling my hair
Transcendent days.

Leaving me far from you,
Hollowed out,
Emptied.

The strangeness of it pleases me
I crave it as, on other days, I crave you
To seek more is to feel them fading,
To feel that need for you rising in my veins.

Unable to do more
(Or less)
I wait, caution persuading my heart's rhythm
To still until it echoes nothing more
Than the leaves' whispering.


*I'm not wholly happy with the title but haven't found another I like yet.

Smoke and mirrors

I called in sick today, a thing I haven't done in a while for lots of reasons. The atmosphere at work has been getting to me, though, and I needed a day where I could just do what I felt like. A day where I didn't have to get up before seven, answer the phone, respond to emails, etc. It's been great. I've gotten almost an entire repeat on Monica's stole done and feel more relaxed than I have in a good while. Thoughts about what my purpose on this planet is have been plaguing me (still) and today was also a nice respite from them which, surprisingly, makes the issue feel just a bit more clear. I'll speak to that more another time, as the fledgling ideas are probably going to need a bit longer to develop before I throw 'em out into the light of day, so to speak. But, to return to the nice, peaceful feeling I've got from my 'day of rest,' I'm actually surprised that it's turned out to be so calming given the further insanity that crops up in my family from time to time. I tried three times to discuss it here but found that it isn't going to come out right and still leave my day unsullied. So, that, too, will have to wait for another blog. Probably Monday-those days usually suck anyway. So, yeah, I guess this blog doesn't have much behind it after all. I'll make it up to you guys, I promise.

Moving Forward

Summer has to be my least favorite season. One of the biggest reasons (as anyone who knows me has heard before, I'm sure) is that there's only so much you can take off. Winter, a close second for the title, at least offers one the opportunity to add layers of clothing for warmth. I realize this probably appears a strange opening for this blog given the title. But, the detestable heat and humidity of this season is helping me get back to a place where I can feel some peace again. Weird, I know. But, it has started to become clearer to me that even the seasons I hate have their place in nature. Even what I think of as the worst part of the year-it has meaning and a purpose even if that purpose isn't wholly clear to me. And, despite the fact that my susceptibility to the sun means I can spend far less time than I'd like outdoors, I find myself more aware of the beauty the season holds than I can recall being in the past. Sometimes, it even feels silly to have questioned whether there was balance. Of course I don't like it when it's harsh and unyielding and it takes someone I cared for. But, not to get too touchy-feely here, I can't help feeling that we all do truly go on somehow. Maybe it's only as a memory. Still counts, in my opinion. There's a harshness to nature, to life, the world and even at its ugliest, I still have to recognize the immutable truth that it all (beauty, pain, joy, brutality) comes from the same place somehow. The comments I got on here after my last post along with the conversations I've had with people on and offline are helping. Trying to focus on achieving the things that I want and need in this life is helping as well. I'm trying to keep looking up, so to speak and it does seem to be getting easier. Last week flew by so quickly that it hardly seems possible that tomorrow is Monday again but, wishing for Second Sunday ain't gonna make it so.

On lighter notes, I've reread the Harry Potter series again and was blown away by the power of Rowling's last book. So much beauty in that book and, yet, it was so, so sad, too. I picked up the book club read for next month and, gods willing, will actually be able to participate in the discussion this time. I've been lax on that front for the last two months and I fear my book club friends have been neglected. Still knitting, knitting, knitting. I think I have eight projects on the needles now and will have to finish something before I can go any further on some of them. Limited needles, limited budget to buy more.

Oh, and I got Daisy spayed this week. Here's hoping it doesn't radically alter her temperament.

Sort of blank

So, I got back last night from a trip to Kentucky that was far harder than I thought it would be. When my cousin, Wayne, got cancer about ten years ago, it seemed like an awful thing but, his mother had cancer and got through it. And, Wayne, in his late 20's, seemed like he'd follow the same path. Grueling, intensive surgeries and follow-up radiation were awful but the thinking in our family seemed that he'd get through it and go on. So much for thinking. It came back and came back and, even after Wayne had found love and a family of his own, the cancer took him. He was 39.

It's beautiful in Kentucky this time of year, green and wild and, as I drove there and back over the course of two days, it struck me as incredibly bizarre that I was surrounded by so much life and beauty at a time like this. The incongruity seemed even more striking as I got to see Holly (Wayne's niece and my younger cousin)'s newborn son. Is this balance? The death of one so well-loved amidst so much life and happiness? Since this happened, I've been thinking and thinking and questioning so much. I believe that there is something higher, something divine at work in the universe, in us, in all of nature. And, one of the things that seems true about that higher power is that it seeks balance. Within us, within the wheel of the year, etc., the gods and goddesses are working for and striving to maintain a balance. So, where do I fit this thing that's happened? How do I account for the death of someone so young, who had so much good happening for him and so much potential good that he could contribute to the world? And, of course, the fact that we were so close in age makes me think about my own mortality. What am I doing with the life I have? Is it hollow and meaningless in the grand scheme of things or am I actually creating a life that has an impact?

There's a line in The Shawshank Redemption that keeps running through my head. "Get busy living or get busy dying." I think I'm doing pretty well, facing the things that scare me and going along anyway, trying to make the most of each day. But, if I only had six more years on this planet, I know I'd try even harder. Is that the point of this? I don't know.

I do know, though, that I have to put down somewhere what kind of memorial service I'd like so that some minister who barely knows me doesn't stand up and read the 23rd Psalm badly. Someone who knows me, the real me, should talk. And, it'd be nice if it wasn't a complete sobfest. Someone, please, tell a story that elicits a laugh. I know there are plenty of them. That's it for now, I'm going to watch Friends, eat chocolate and knit a little.

Getting my balance back

That's what I've been trying to do since Wednesday and I think I'm getting there. Still can't quite get the muse to return. I sat down to try and write a bit before knitting group today and didn't get more than a couple lines down. Although, the story I was tossing around in my head is taking a bit more shape. It's primarily concerned with three very different sisters and their perceptions of each other over lunch one day. And, I think I'm closer to getting the second sister's voice down-a tough one for me since I picture this character as a very strong voice, very different from me. We'll see how it goes.

I'm knitting up a storm, trying to get several different things going. I'm not sure why but I have this impulse to start about 10 different things at once lately. Which means I'm not reading as much but I am trying to re-read HP and tackle last month's book club read. I know, I know. The point was to have it read last month. What can I say, I'm negligent at a lot of things these days. I did get my apartment nice and clean this morning. Also blocked the baby blanket for Holly's son (who should be born any day now).

I hopefully will start guitar lessons this week and am really looking forward to that. Also, I'm going to force myself to get the pictures hung up this week. If nothing else is accomplished by Saturday, that will be done.

That's it for now. I'm off to read a bit more of Harry's adventures and eat something.

Mediocre

It occurred to me that I've become a mediocre, even negligent, blogger lately. Here it is almost a month after my last blog and this one is still going to be sadly brief. Cause I'm tired and feel like life's pretty dull these days. Actually, that's not entirely accurate but, you know, there's only so many ways I can describe the slime pit that my dating life looks like lately. I think I'm gonna have to give up on the idea, at least for awhile. This last one... *shudders* So, unless someone knows someone nice, available, sane and with basic social skills they'd like to send my way, I'm off dating. I think I'll concentrate (again) on my writing and keep working on my knitting projects-those things at least, I can see improvement in over time. Also going to start learning to play the guitar soon so that should be interesting. In terms of writing, especially, I feel like my muse has left me but I have to acknowledge that I'm not really feeding her anything (she likes to have lots of quiet time, and attention) and I suppose her abandonment is understandable given that.

I'm also trying to get my head around the idea that Amy is having a baby and finding that rather tough at times. It just seems like her life is so easy and that whatever she sets her sights on falls right into place. I'm going to love having another niece or nephew-it's just difficult to watch someone else (yet again) get the things I dream of having, the things I'm working and working for and not seeing get any closer to fruition.

Anyway, I'm adjusting to the idea and it's getting easier to be happy for her. I have a couple baby gifts planned out and am looking up info on hospitals for her when I get time here and there.

I did finish my sweater and Holly's baby blanket finally. Here's some pictures of them!

Work is work. They're pushing us into lots of 'team-building' stuff which I kind of cringe at. It just feels fake; you can't force people to become friends just because they're working in the same department. And, when they're promoting people that it's hard to respect (as they have the worst work ethic in the place) it's even harder to buddy up with them. And, of course, Mondays suck. Especially when preceded by the gruesome excuse for a date I had last night and followed by getting off Metrolink only to find she-who-shall-remain-nameless working the ticket booth at the station where I park my car everyday. Ghastly, ghastly Monday.

That's it for the moment. If I get a good night's sleep, maybe things will seem a bit better and I can actually get some reading done.