2.27.2011

Dear Mom and Dad

My dreams turn desperate
as you leave me again
with nary a fucking backward glance
I struggle homeward through the snow
Helped by strangers, reaching out for friends
Waking alone with a tear-streaked face
To a pretty empty promise.

2.25.2011

I'm growing more used to the idea that I need my anti-depressants to stay level. And, *that* makes me uncomfortable. That belief has more to do with other people's opinions than with what's healthy for me but it's a strong one even though I'm not a subscriber to the notion that we have to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps. What a load of shit that myth is and how much suffering it's probably contributed to. But, despite my discomfort, I generally manage to do what needs done. (Just ignore the dirty dishes in my sink-they don't count.) That attitude coupled with my innate stubbornness made following through on blocking my mother from emailing or phoning me much less difficult. The guilt still followed, naturally. What kind of person has to take that step? What kind of person *can* take that step? The Anita kind, I guess. Further to that, I guess I shouldn't be surprised that Angie will no longer answer her phone or return my calls. It still stings, though. And, of course, I've got that nagging voice in the back of my head asking what it's going to be like to go to the newphew's first birthday party next weekend. Only one way to find out.

Thinking about boundaries, labels, relationships all at the same time a lot lately but more on that another day.

2.18.2011

Oscar Wilde said that one should either know everything or nothing. I'm paraphrasing, of course, but it seems apropos lately. And, in keeping with that, I'm going to go ahead and admit that I'm closer to the "nothing" end of the spectrum. Now, before anyone (if they were inclined to do so) argues that point, I mean it in the sense of self-awareness and the like. So, it's time to figure a few things out and to develop some more concrete ideas on what exactly I want rather than going back and forth as I have done. It's going to be about healing instead of just patching things up and trudging on for a while. Some of that will probably wind up here but, who knows. If I'm silent, I'm not gone, just being still.

2.1.2011

Here I sit, watching a blizzard take shape outside my window while Luna snuggles and tries to prevent me from typing any more. Life is weird-that's the best way I could fill in the blanks lately to try and cover what's been happening. Emma's thyroid is causing her further problems and she may have to undergo a procedure to have it destroyed. (I'm sure that's not a wholly accurate description of what is done to it but it's the closest one I can get from my sister.) I'm working on finding a new therapist since the one I've seen twice is just not a good fit. But, she did present me with an idea that has been helpful lately. More on that another day. Actually, I think that's it for now. Someone cute is sleeping on my couch and I think I'll go snuggle for a bit.

1.23.2011

Happy Sunday! Here's another list!

1) I finished reading Tales of the City yesterday. Loved it. Not sure where it belongs, genre-wise but it's certainly getting a high recommendation from me.

2) I haven't been knitting a damn thing lately. Ella's shawl and Tim's socks have been stuck in one spot on the needles for a while. I need to return to my Tuesday knitting friends to regain my motivation, I think.

3) Got to see the munchkins briefly at the Magic House and will probably be driving to Marion to see Em cheer next Saturday. I would *love* a volunteer to go with me.

4) The battles with the heating in this apartment seem to have died down. Just waiting on my landlord to put the furnace on it's own circuit breaker so it doesn't resume kicking off periodically.

5) I have to say there is nothing better than being around those who truly love you. I still sink periodically but a couple people keep nudging me back toward that inner optimist. In particular, my brother, Tim (One of us adopted the other, or maybe it was a mutual decision) keeps managing to make me laugh just when I think I can't. All of my friends have been fabulous, honestly, about helping me refocus on what's good instead of what really, really sucks. Love.

6) I keep thinking about the idea of mindfulness and, also, meditation. I'm trying to channel the reading I do into areas that will lead to self-improvement rather than just escaping. Any suggestions on that topic would be appreciated.

7) Cats are wonderful creatures. As I write this, Luna and Daisy are trying their damnedest to snuggle up to me and make sure I'm covered in cat hair for the day.

8) Family of origin stuff remains the same.

9) I feel the need to make a snowman or snow angels or both.

10) I'm going to be truly irresponsible and buy myself something decadent for breakfast.

More another day.

1.7.2011

I want to move and be still at the same time
To write without leaving a mark to be judged
To dance and to watch others dancing
To leave here and to plant my roots deep

I have grown too comfortable
too eager to accept your kindness
to feel warmth in the midst of the ice storm

I am lost.

I turn, circling myself, as I look for the answer
The freezing wind burns me, familiarly.

1.4.2011

Okay, here's what's in my head, sans most of the details. I'm feeling pretty lost lately. And, no, not in a good way. I debated for the last three days whether to even write on here anymore. I still haven't settled that question. Is trying to articulate the things that happen and my thoughts on them even a worthwhile endeavor anymore? I've been hiding out, physically and emotionally, from almost everything and it feels good. And, that, of course, scares me if I let myself think about it too much. So, I'm not thinking much these days. I'm pursuing what feels better than that and escaping into books or video games as much as possible. I have no plan for now that extends much beyond the necessities.