Things I'm thinking about today:
1) Dating is hard. It just is. Finding someone nice is hard, having that happen at the right time is hard, being in a place where you're ready to commit to something at all is hard.
2) The more I see of the world, the more I am convinced that violence and eating animals are connected.
3) The therapist I saw last weekend is very nice and knowledgeable. I think she's a good fit, personality-wise, as well. I'm cautiously optimistic again.
4) I took a nice mental health day today. Just hanging out at home in the a/c has been fabulous.
5) I've been cooking at home *slightly* more but I also need to get back to exercising. This heat doesn't help and there's no way I'm going to try to get out there before going to work. More thought needed.
6) Seems like I'm getting asked about the munchkins a lot lately. I'm not bawling over it at every mention but I miss them terribly. No idea if anything there will change at any time in the foreseeable future. I don't want to accept their absence but what is my alternative?
7) Only a few weeks until my road trip to Michigan. I cannot wait.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Friday, July 8, 2011
7.8.2011
Yesterday, I got a raise and a favorable annual evaluation at work. So, if I don't see some progress on the teaching front by fall, I should at least be able to work toward getting out of this department and into one where I don't hate what I'm doing every day. I hope. I also really missed my grandma a lot yesterday. Some days, I'm still glad I have a physical reminder of her at home, even if it is a pillow.
Trying to plan a visit to Michigan to see some of the folks from PSG in either the first or second week of August. This will be the longest road trip I've undertaken alone so, I'm excited and, also, trying to figure out if Hal's up to it.
Got to hang out with Brandie and Chris a bit yesterday evening and have the best donuts in St. Louis as well as good conversation over tea. It was good to catch up and remind myself that my continued focus needs to be on healing. Also on that front, I have an appointment set up with another therapist and am hoping (again) that this one will be a good fit. Keep your fingers crossed for me, please.
Trying to plan a visit to Michigan to see some of the folks from PSG in either the first or second week of August. This will be the longest road trip I've undertaken alone so, I'm excited and, also, trying to figure out if Hal's up to it.
Got to hang out with Brandie and Chris a bit yesterday evening and have the best donuts in St. Louis as well as good conversation over tea. It was good to catch up and remind myself that my continued focus needs to be on healing. Also on that front, I have an appointment set up with another therapist and am hoping (again) that this one will be a good fit. Keep your fingers crossed for me, please.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
7.3.2011
Last night, I went to a play with Lori. Danny and the Deep Blue Sea. Two very damaged people meet at a bar and go home together, engage in creating a beautiful fantasy of what life could be like together, face reality the next morning and struggle with trying to allow themselves the happiness they could potentially have amidst all their fuckedupedness. At one point, Danny tells Roberta that he forgives her for the terrible thing she's punishing herself for because no one else has. He GIVES her absolution for something that, in my thinking, she has no culpability in and she almost can't even accept that. SO much of their dialogue reminded me of some of my internal dialogue in the past. That's what I realized, trying to make sense of how ripped open the play made me feel. In the past. I haven't felt *that* level of self-blame in a while. No, I can't say I never think those things now but they've become rarities rather than the constant background music of my mind. I don't feel as alone and unable to connect as I used to. How and when did that happen?
How is it possible that I can be the person who, yesterday, had to cut more people out of immediate contact with me to protect myself and still feel, today, less like I'm at sea and alone? I can't make sense of it, somehow.
How is it possible that I can be the person who, yesterday, had to cut more people out of immediate contact with me to protect myself and still feel, today, less like I'm at sea and alone? I can't make sense of it, somehow.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
7.2.2011
I can't believe it's July already. I'm still dealing with feeling a bit down post-PSG. Communicating frequently with the new friends I made there is helping but I still long to return.
I made an appointment with my therapist again and am working on budgeting better so that I can make regular appointments more possible. I debated trying to find someone else who wouldn't approach the billing issues like they seem to in this practice but, ultimately, I felt that my current therapist's approach fit me quite well. The other issue is really on me to fix. And, despite not being naturally good at budgeting and tracking finances, I've been thinking this week that not pressuring myself to be perfect at it might help.
I'm being wonderfully lazy this weekend and only doing housework as I feel like it. The apartment hasn't quite recovered from me being gone but, it'll get there before I have to return to work on Tuesday. Re-reading Jane Eyre is so healing for my soul, as always, and returning to my meditation practices is helping me, too.
I made an appointment with my therapist again and am working on budgeting better so that I can make regular appointments more possible. I debated trying to find someone else who wouldn't approach the billing issues like they seem to in this practice but, ultimately, I felt that my current therapist's approach fit me quite well. The other issue is really on me to fix. And, despite not being naturally good at budgeting and tracking finances, I've been thinking this week that not pressuring myself to be perfect at it might help.
I'm being wonderfully lazy this weekend and only doing housework as I feel like it. The apartment hasn't quite recovered from me being gone but, it'll get there before I have to return to work on Tuesday. Re-reading Jane Eyre is so healing for my soul, as always, and returning to my meditation practices is helping me, too.
Monday, June 27, 2011
6.27.2011 (pt. 2--a rant)
Two of my cousins (a pair of sisters) deleted and/or blocked me from contacting them on Facebook today. I keep telling myself this shouldn't bother me and to just breathe and let it go. And, except for the following, I might find that more easily done.
When these cousins were continually put down and labeled by my mother and sisters, I stood up for them and argued for tolerance.
When my mother and sisters criticized and tried to derail one of their weddings, I was the *only* one of my immediate family who didn't participate in that and who attended said wedding.
I have baby sat both of these women as well as the children of one of them without asking for anything in return.
When the older of the two was brutally attacked by her estranged husband, I was there arguing against the victim blaming that many family members engaged in even to the extent of being willing to take photos that they could use later to demonstrate her injuries.
I have, as I do with most people I have affection for, offered advice, a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, for many years.
I am so hurt and angry over this. I cannot understand it.
I know my flaws pretty well. I may lack discretion, moderation, may speak without thinking or say the wrong thing. But, I know myself to be a good, loyal, person and I just cannot see how moving in the same direction as someone (my mother) who has denigrated, criticized publicly and made every attempt to take away from these people's happiness is justified.
When these cousins were continually put down and labeled by my mother and sisters, I stood up for them and argued for tolerance.
When my mother and sisters criticized and tried to derail one of their weddings, I was the *only* one of my immediate family who didn't participate in that and who attended said wedding.
I have baby sat both of these women as well as the children of one of them without asking for anything in return.
When the older of the two was brutally attacked by her estranged husband, I was there arguing against the victim blaming that many family members engaged in even to the extent of being willing to take photos that they could use later to demonstrate her injuries.
I have, as I do with most people I have affection for, offered advice, a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, for many years.
I am so hurt and angry over this. I cannot understand it.
I know my flaws pretty well. I may lack discretion, moderation, may speak without thinking or say the wrong thing. But, I know myself to be a good, loyal, person and I just cannot see how moving in the same direction as someone (my mother) who has denigrated, criticized publicly and made every attempt to take away from these people's happiness is justified.
6.27.2011
Attending PSG for the second year was both familiar and new. When you drive in, the people working the gate are eager to greet "virgins" and have them come ring the bell, signaling to everyone in earshot that some newbies have arrived. I found that welcoming last year, in my usual self-conscious way. But, this year, I was truly welcomed home. Despite the change in venue and the reduced size of the campground, it had the same energy around every corner. Talking with Ella (who *was* the virgin this year), we both had noticed the positive energy that everyone we encountered seemed to give off. We camped in very close quarters, dealt with rain and mud and even the threat of tornadoes. None of that came close to overshadowing the benefit of connecting, really connecting with people who are now family. I'm tearing up a bit writing this but, these words don't go nearly far enough. Coming back to the "real world" this time was even harder than last year. To elaborate, we camped next to a family with adorable triplets, three of the sweetest, most charming kids I've met. Add that to the three adults of the family being true kindred spirits in every sense of the term. Our late night talks and chats over coffee each morning made this PSG for me. I miss these amazing souls. Last year felt like a journey toward understanding myself more, through solitude (often) and that walk with the goddess in the candlelit labyrinth. This year, I walked with her again but found it more supportive and confirming of things I was finding from connecting with others, through externalizing my conflicts and being supported that way and through discussing memorable dreams as well as just sharing laughter, food and time together. I don't have a ready, pithy conclusion about what I've taken away this year and, I think part of that is an internal resistance to letting the experience and connections fade. It's also partly that I'm once more thinking deeply about what I really want and what makes me happy. I can't articulate those thoughts yet. Maybe with some more meditation on them. That's it for now except that I just want to keep feeling that love I felt surrounding me there and send it further afield to you all.
Friday, June 17, 2011
6.17.2011
Once, there was a little girl whose parents loved her very much. They loved her so much, in fact, that they worked very hard to protect her from all the things about her that were bad. Over and over they corrected those bad habits and punished her so that she would learn to only be the good version of herself.
By the time the girl reached twelve, her parents had made much progress with her. So much progress, in fact, that she was allowed to work outside of her home and, when going out of town, they felt very comfortable letting her stay home while they and her younger sisters went away for a weekend. Making sure to leave her with careful instructions and money to purchase food, away they went for a merry break, waving goodbye as they drove away.
Once alone, however, the girl began to remember stories she'd heard of things that could happen to children without their parents and her fear of the dark, previously quieted by the parents' warnings rushed back. All houses make noises and, as the sun sank lower in the sky, she became more and more aware of ones she'd never noticed before. Before evening could set in, she had formed a plan so that she could have some company for the night. Another family lived nearby with three little daughters who, although some years younger than her, were often quite friendly to the girl. She decided to invite the oldest of these girls to her home and, for the young neighbor's help with household chores, shared with her some of the money her parents had left her. The night passed quite pleasantly, with the two girls sharing food and watching movies.
By the time her parents had returned home, the girl had forgotten her fears and was looking forward to seeing her family again. As they brought in their luggage and remarked on how clean the home was, her parents' smiles faded, hearing the tale of what she had done with the money they entrusted her with. They knew that all of the badness they had worked so hard to remove from her character was making a reappearance and, quietly, it was decided that the girl's mother would discuss this with the girl alone.
When the time was right, and the girl's sweet younger sisters safely away, her mother spoke to her, to discover exactly what she had done while they were away. "What did you do," she asked, "to the neighbor child? Why did you need to give her the money we trusted you with?" The girl, frightened of both her bad nature resurfacing and her mother's angry disappointment, averred that she had done nothing but simply wished not to be alone for the time they were gone, a statement that was clearly not true and that her mother swept aside immediately, determined to root out the evil in her child. Again and again, she sought the details of her daughter's wrongdoing but was finally forced to unwillingly abandon her questions as the willful child turned to tears and silence.
She remained, however, watchful for further signs of wrongdoing until, with patience and effort, it became less and less necessary. For, with time, the girl became able to take over what her parents had begun. They congratulated themselves, then, on their success and were able to breathe much more easily.
By the time the girl reached twelve, her parents had made much progress with her. So much progress, in fact, that she was allowed to work outside of her home and, when going out of town, they felt very comfortable letting her stay home while they and her younger sisters went away for a weekend. Making sure to leave her with careful instructions and money to purchase food, away they went for a merry break, waving goodbye as they drove away.
Once alone, however, the girl began to remember stories she'd heard of things that could happen to children without their parents and her fear of the dark, previously quieted by the parents' warnings rushed back. All houses make noises and, as the sun sank lower in the sky, she became more and more aware of ones she'd never noticed before. Before evening could set in, she had formed a plan so that she could have some company for the night. Another family lived nearby with three little daughters who, although some years younger than her, were often quite friendly to the girl. She decided to invite the oldest of these girls to her home and, for the young neighbor's help with household chores, shared with her some of the money her parents had left her. The night passed quite pleasantly, with the two girls sharing food and watching movies.
By the time her parents had returned home, the girl had forgotten her fears and was looking forward to seeing her family again. As they brought in their luggage and remarked on how clean the home was, her parents' smiles faded, hearing the tale of what she had done with the money they entrusted her with. They knew that all of the badness they had worked so hard to remove from her character was making a reappearance and, quietly, it was decided that the girl's mother would discuss this with the girl alone.
When the time was right, and the girl's sweet younger sisters safely away, her mother spoke to her, to discover exactly what she had done while they were away. "What did you do," she asked, "to the neighbor child? Why did you need to give her the money we trusted you with?" The girl, frightened of both her bad nature resurfacing and her mother's angry disappointment, averred that she had done nothing but simply wished not to be alone for the time they were gone, a statement that was clearly not true and that her mother swept aside immediately, determined to root out the evil in her child. Again and again, she sought the details of her daughter's wrongdoing but was finally forced to unwillingly abandon her questions as the willful child turned to tears and silence.
She remained, however, watchful for further signs of wrongdoing until, with patience and effort, it became less and less necessary. For, with time, the girl became able to take over what her parents had begun. They congratulated themselves, then, on their success and were able to breathe much more easily.
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