Day 101

It is definitely, finally, spring. It is absolutely beautiful out and I miss having somewhere to plant flowers again. Back when I lived somewhere with a yard (or a balcony like I had at my last apartment) this would be the time I'd be putting out daylilies and trying to coax some tomatoes to grow. Never actually had any success with tomatoes but I did manage to get some flowers to survive. These days I'm making myself content with my rosemary plant. Maybe when the Farmer's market starts up again, I'll find something I can grow indoors and keep the cats out of.

Aside from that tangential thought, I've been trying to throw my resume at all possible jobs and have an interview next Thursday for an admin. position with a nonprofit agency. It means I have to get interview clothes again since almost nothing fits these days.

That's it for now, more later, I'm sure.

Day 97

Must find a new job. It's not the soul-draining experience some of my other jobs have been but it's getting there. I did get a call from HR today about one of the positions on campus I applied for. They said I've got the background for it but wanted to check if I was okay with a lateral move. "HELL YES," I said. (Okay, not really but the thought was there.) I just want to be able to go to PSG in June, that's my immediate, short-term goal. I'd rather stay put until afterward if necessary but, to reiterate: must find a new job.

Oh, and, I visited with the Tuesday knitting group at Cafe Ventana for a bit tonight, after having dinner with Chi. Didn't stay long since I needed to get some clothes washed for the remainder of the week. Trying to set up a summer schedule with Kateri for the Farmer's markets. If I can manage it, that money is just going for savings. I should (fingers crossed) be able to get the money together for an Ireland trip in December by working around every other Saturday.


That's it for today-I'm trying to get back to writing every day but, having fallen off the wagon makes picking the habit back up challenging.

Day 95

Inside (I so hate coming up with titles)

I am encircled and the walls are pressing in
tighterandtighterandtighter
I tuck my arms in, cross them over my heart
Wrists together, fingers clutched
Bow my head, the unsought benediction upon me now.

Images of my beloved, my dream, my grail
Regard me impassively
So near,
So far to go.
The questions:
It's brave to seek again?
To tilt at another: courage?

My eyes are open to it all.

And I feel yours on me
Waiting.
Then, pulling me inexorably back to the just-fled room.

My eyes are open to it all.
And, I push myself again to seek
A more expansive space
Blue in the storm gray sky.

I am encircled and the walls are pressing in.
But I am still I.

Scarred.
Shaken.
Unbroken.

Day 88 (I think?)

It's just been difficult to find much to string together over the last few weeks. I keep starting and stopping writing. Not just on here but with a couple poems that have floated through my head as well as that story that seems to be stalled simply because I'm not finding the right kind of energy to write lately. I think part of it is that I've gone through several intensely stress-filled weeks and have just been trying to figure out whether I'm in a comfortable place again or not. You know, being able to breathe deeply and completely relax because you know you've at least entered a cease fire. I'm still bracing myself for something else to go wrong, waiting for the next hit. Sucks but that's where I've been for awhile. I've been escaping into lots of fun activities from day to day with friends but creativity is still just beyond me. I also keep saying I'm getting back to my knitting groups but find it so much easier and sort of peaceful to just tune out to the tv or radio. Hopefully that will change soon and I'll get back to all the things I'm neglecting.

Day 66

I think these are much better than any words I could come up with.

Even more of Day 65

From being told she was around 5 cm dilated at 3 pm, Amy's been told now that it may actually be closer to 3. She's done so great but is worn out and the nurse convinced her to go with an epidural. She's really upset but it may be better overall for her and Parker. What effect it will have on the remainder of her labor/Parker's birth I don't know. But, we're coming up on the 27 hour mark... More tomorrow, probably.

Day 65 continued

After this many hours (I've lost track now, close to 21, I think), I have to say I am incredibly impressed at Amy's ability to handle this process. No drugs, managing it just on her own-I would NOT have guessed that she had this kind of strength. They finally upped her pitocin after a few hours at the same time that the doctor broke her water. Since then things have been moving more quickly. At one point she declared, "This kid ain't getting a brother anytime soon." Angie and I ran to get some food for everyone and, since we've gotten back, the contractions have really intensified and we're keeping out of the room, just letting Bobby and Amy be alone for a bit.