Thursday, July 30, 2009

Sort of blank

So, I got back last night from a trip to Kentucky that was far harder than I thought it would be. When my cousin, Wayne, got cancer about ten years ago, it seemed like an awful thing but, his mother had cancer and got through it. And, Wayne, in his late 20's, seemed like he'd follow the same path. Grueling, intensive surgeries and follow-up radiation were awful but the thinking in our family seemed that he'd get through it and go on. So much for thinking. It came back and came back and, even after Wayne had found love and a family of his own, the cancer took him. He was 39.

It's beautiful in Kentucky this time of year, green and wild and, as I drove there and back over the course of two days, it struck me as incredibly bizarre that I was surrounded by so much life and beauty at a time like this. The incongruity seemed even more striking as I got to see Holly (Wayne's niece and my younger cousin)'s newborn son. Is this balance? The death of one so well-loved amidst so much life and happiness? Since this happened, I've been thinking and thinking and questioning so much. I believe that there is something higher, something divine at work in the universe, in us, in all of nature. And, one of the things that seems true about that higher power is that it seeks balance. Within us, within the wheel of the year, etc., the gods and goddesses are working for and striving to maintain a balance. So, where do I fit this thing that's happened? How do I account for the death of someone so young, who had so much good happening for him and so much potential good that he could contribute to the world? And, of course, the fact that we were so close in age makes me think about my own mortality. What am I doing with the life I have? Is it hollow and meaningless in the grand scheme of things or am I actually creating a life that has an impact?

There's a line in The Shawshank Redemption that keeps running through my head. "Get busy living or get busy dying." I think I'm doing pretty well, facing the things that scare me and going along anyway, trying to make the most of each day. But, if I only had six more years on this planet, I know I'd try even harder. Is that the point of this? I don't know.

I do know, though, that I have to put down somewhere what kind of memorial service I'd like so that some minister who barely knows me doesn't stand up and read the 23rd Psalm badly. Someone who knows me, the real me, should talk. And, it'd be nice if it wasn't a complete sobfest. Someone, please, tell a story that elicits a laugh. I know there are plenty of them. That's it for now, I'm going to watch Friends, eat chocolate and knit a little.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Getting my balance back

That's what I've been trying to do since Wednesday and I think I'm getting there. Still can't quite get the muse to return. I sat down to try and write a bit before knitting group today and didn't get more than a couple lines down. Although, the story I was tossing around in my head is taking a bit more shape. It's primarily concerned with three very different sisters and their perceptions of each other over lunch one day. And, I think I'm closer to getting the second sister's voice down-a tough one for me since I picture this character as a very strong voice, very different from me. We'll see how it goes.

I'm knitting up a storm, trying to get several different things going. I'm not sure why but I have this impulse to start about 10 different things at once lately. Which means I'm not reading as much but I am trying to re-read HP and tackle last month's book club read. I know, I know. The point was to have it read last month. What can I say, I'm negligent at a lot of things these days. I did get my apartment nice and clean this morning. Also blocked the baby blanket for Holly's son (who should be born any day now).

I hopefully will start guitar lessons this week and am really looking forward to that. Also, I'm going to force myself to get the pictures hung up this week. If nothing else is accomplished by Saturday, that will be done.

That's it for now. I'm off to read a bit more of Harry's adventures and eat something.

Monday, July 13, 2009


It occurred to me that I've become a mediocre, even negligent, blogger lately. Here it is almost a month after my last blog and this one is still going to be sadly brief. Cause I'm tired and feel like life's pretty dull these days. Actually, that's not entirely accurate but, you know, there's only so many ways I can describe the slime pit that my dating life looks like lately. I think I'm gonna have to give up on the idea, at least for awhile. This last one... *shudders* So, unless someone knows someone nice, available, sane and with basic social skills they'd like to send my way, I'm off dating. I think I'll concentrate (again) on my writing and keep working on my knitting projects-those things at least, I can see improvement in over time. Also going to start learning to play the guitar soon so that should be interesting. In terms of writing, especially, I feel like my muse has left me but I have to acknowledge that I'm not really feeding her anything (she likes to have lots of quiet time, and attention) and I suppose her abandonment is understandable given that.

I'm also trying to get my head around the idea that Amy is having a baby and finding that rather tough at times. It just seems like her life is so easy and that whatever she sets her sights on falls right into place. I'm going to love having another niece or nephew-it's just difficult to watch someone else (yet again) get the things I dream of having, the things I'm working and working for and not seeing get any closer to fruition.

Anyway, I'm adjusting to the idea and it's getting easier to be happy for her. I have a couple baby gifts planned out and am looking up info on hospitals for her when I get time here and there.

I did finish my sweater and Holly's baby blanket finally. Here's some pictures of them!

Work is work. They're pushing us into lots of 'team-building' stuff which I kind of cringe at. It just feels fake; you can't force people to become friends just because they're working in the same department. And, when they're promoting people that it's hard to respect (as they have the worst work ethic in the place) it's even harder to buddy up with them. And, of course, Mondays suck. Especially when preceded by the gruesome excuse for a date I had last night and followed by getting off Metrolink only to find she-who-shall-remain-nameless working the ticket booth at the station where I park my car everyday. Ghastly, ghastly Monday.

That's it for the moment. If I get a good night's sleep, maybe things will seem a bit better and I can actually get some reading done.