Wednesday, April 18, 2012

I want to write and to continue this blog but I wonder what benefit is created by the effort.  Is it read?  Does it matter?  Where could I go with it in the future, if I do continue it?  I’ve thought of this as my letter to the open void of the potential audience.  “Hey, here I am and here’s what life is like for someone like me.”  Increasingly, though, I feel like a member of a very rare type of human.  One that finds few I can truly share myself with and feel safe.  I feel out of step within the job I have and with many I encounter, just as I did when growing up.  Some days, when even those you think of as friends reveal that they see your struggle in life as irrelevant and those who were supposed to love you instinctively only use their power to harm you further…  Those are the days that get carried around for so much longer than I actually imagine possible, forming part of the strange shell around me. 

Who am I?  I’m loved--I know that unquestionably-- by people who really know me.  I carry that, too.  I’m also the woman who has been abused over and over again under a bright, shiny, banner of “love.”  So, how do I keep the two separated?  Lately, that’s difficult.  Emotional flashbacks or some variant of that popped up not long ago, leaving me feeling even more unsafe and unsafe for others to have in their lives.  I have a new niece that I can’t see, yet my mother sends me pictures of her, tauntingly claiming regret for herself and again shifting the burden of choice onto my shoulders and stamping me the one who isn’t participating in having a family.  My ex-husband died.  His sister messages me to tell me he still “loved” me.  I feel the pain of the blows he dealt me just as much today as at the time I received them.  So, where do I file all these things?  

I feel comfort with the person I hope I can share the rest of my life with in a healthy way.  I want to build something good and safe and nurturing with him.  And, I keep hoping, despite the hurts and wounds that intrude on that that I actually can accomplish it.  Today, though, I’m just trying to keep from grinding my teeth together at this draining job until I can return to that comfort and safety.