Thursday, July 21, 2011


Today was odd. Boredom inspired use of StumbleUpon turned up, within the span of this morning, the poem I read at my grandma's funeral three times. The feeling I got was close to how it felt when I had a dream about Grandpa Fitzwater back in April. So, it feels like she is moving on and was saying goodbye.

When I was a child, she used to do things for me, just for me. Small things like make sure she kept Kraft Mac and Cheese around because it was my favorite or rake the leaves in the yard up over and over so I could jump in them. Bigger things like actually talk to me and listen to what I said.

Before I moved to Texas, in 1998, I set aside a day just to be with her, to do whatever she wanted and to have time to talk. And, I remember so clearly her expression and the way she looked at me, saying goodbye then. "I love all of you," she said, "but it's just seemed like you were always closer." Before she died, she repeated almost those exact words about Emma. As I feel her moving on from this plane, I'm sad but I also *know* somehow that she and Emma and I are connected and will remain so.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011


I wonder sometimes why we don't talk more about the words we use or acknowledge their power. We use words to draw things and people closer. Wife, husband, girlfriend, daughter, son, pet. We personify things with names. Sable, Daisy, Zooey, Luna. We grant individuality with names, also, establishing someone's right to be separate from us at the moment they're born.

We also use words to draw a line between ourselves and people/things. Primitive, weird, different, odd. We create a hierarchy with words. Human, animal, meat. We reduce things to their smallest component or a facet of identity with words. Gay, straight, bisexual, hippie, nerd, yuppie. I think leg, wing and thigh fit in that category, as well.

It seems to me that, in both positive and negative ways, we use words to structure our reality, our ethics, our worlds. Why are so many of us so frightened or uncomfortable to examine them or to reconsider the way we use them or to acknowledge just *how* much power they have for us?

Tuesday, July 19, 2011


Things I'm thinking about today:

1) Dating is hard. It just is. Finding someone nice is hard, having that happen at the right time is hard, being in a place where you're ready to commit to something at all is hard.

2) The more I see of the world, the more I am convinced that violence and eating animals are connected.

3) The therapist I saw last weekend is very nice and knowledgeable. I think she's a good fit, personality-wise, as well. I'm cautiously optimistic again.

4) I took a nice mental health day today. Just hanging out at home in the a/c has been fabulous.

5) I've been cooking at home *slightly* more but I also need to get back to exercising. This heat doesn't help and there's no way I'm going to try to get out there before going to work. More thought needed.

6) Seems like I'm getting asked about the munchkins a lot lately. I'm not bawling over it at every mention but I miss them terribly. No idea if anything there will change at any time in the foreseeable future. I don't want to accept their absence but what is my alternative?

7) Only a few weeks until my road trip to Michigan. I cannot wait.

Friday, July 8, 2011


Yesterday, I got a raise and a favorable annual evaluation at work. So, if I don't see some progress on the teaching front by fall, I should at least be able to work toward getting out of this department and into one where I don't hate what I'm doing every day. I hope. I also really missed my grandma a lot yesterday. Some days, I'm still glad I have a physical reminder of her at home, even if it is a pillow.

Trying to plan a visit to Michigan to see some of the folks from PSG in either the first or second week of August. This will be the longest road trip I've undertaken alone so, I'm excited and, also, trying to figure out if Hal's up to it.

Got to hang out with Brandie and Chris a bit yesterday evening and have the best donuts in St. Louis as well as good conversation over tea. It was good to catch up and remind myself that my continued focus needs to be on healing. Also on that front, I have an appointment set up with another therapist and am hoping (again) that this one will be a good fit. Keep your fingers crossed for me, please.

Sunday, July 3, 2011


Last night, I went to a play with Lori. Danny and the Deep Blue Sea. Two very damaged people meet at a bar and go home together, engage in creating a beautiful fantasy of what life could be like together, face reality the next morning and struggle with trying to allow themselves the happiness they could potentially have amidst all their fuckedupedness. At one point, Danny tells Roberta that he forgives her for the terrible thing she's punishing herself for because no one else has. He GIVES her absolution for something that, in my thinking, she has no culpability in and she almost can't even accept that. SO much of their dialogue reminded me of some of my internal dialogue in the past. That's what I realized, trying to make sense of how ripped open the play made me feel. In the past. I haven't felt *that* level of self-blame in a while. No, I can't say I never think those things now but they've become rarities rather than the constant background music of my mind. I don't feel as alone and unable to connect as I used to. How and when did that happen?

How is it possible that I can be the person who, yesterday, had to cut more people out of immediate contact with me to protect myself and still feel, today, less like I'm at sea and alone? I can't make sense of it, somehow.

Saturday, July 2, 2011


I can't believe it's July already. I'm still dealing with feeling a bit down post-PSG. Communicating frequently with the new friends I made there is helping but I still long to return.

I made an appointment with my therapist again and am working on budgeting better so that I can make regular appointments more possible. I debated trying to find someone else who wouldn't approach the billing issues like they seem to in this practice but, ultimately, I felt that my current therapist's approach fit me quite well. The other issue is really on me to fix. And, despite not being naturally good at budgeting and tracking finances, I've been thinking this week that not pressuring myself to be perfect at it might help.

I'm being wonderfully lazy this weekend and only doing housework as I feel like it. The apartment hasn't quite recovered from me being gone but, it'll get there before I have to return to work on Tuesday. Re-reading Jane Eyre is so healing for my soul, as always, and returning to my meditation practices is helping me, too.