Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Day 326

The idea seems to be out there that I’ve lost my ‘muchness’ these days. I don’t like that floating around in the universe. So, I’m blogging today in a typically random way about some things that I think balance it out.

1) I have the word ‘wish’ on the brain a lot lately. I like it. It seems particularly holiday-ish to me. Of course, I’m also going to blame its persistence on Brandie since she started talking about wish bread for the Yule party she and Chris are hosting at their new home.

2) I also have to say that a new bright spot is in my life. Let’s just call her ‘C’ for now. She makes me grin a lot these days.

3) I’m in the process of narrowing down books to give the Munchkins for their Yule gifts this year. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

4) Almost on the last stage in the latest lace project I’ve been working on and 2/3 of the way done with some rainbow socks for another friend who makes me grin with his silliness and irreverence.

5) I appreciate irreverence more and more these days, btw. Saw a car today with a silver Jesus-fish type shark on it that said ‘lawyer’ inside it. Made me giggle.

6) One thing that I’ve been thinking about a lot is the nature of the universe. I was talking with someone (okay, I admit it, it was C) about the belief that the universe is ultimately benevolent. I’ve heard the idea that everything is chaotic and/or random but I just don’t feel that that’s true. I’ve seen a lot of bad things out there but, deep down, I have a sense that balance and peace are being sought after by whatever higher power exists.

7) I’ve been on a baking kick. Went out to J.C.’s house the other day to make oatmeal raisin cookies and, now, I’m thinking it’s time to start playing with some new cookie recipes for the holiday gatherings coming up. Something with cranberries and dark chocolate, maybe…

8) I dreamt of sunflowers last night. I wonder if I could grow some in the apartment.

9) More teaching applications will be going out soon for spring. I’m so ready for a job where I don’t scan things all day long. Had a potential interview with St. Charles Comm. College but I haven’t heard anything since they contacted me and I confirmed my interest.

10) I went to see the new Harry Potter movie the other night. Best adaptation of the books so far. I cried, I confess.

11) Lacking from my calendar so far is any celebration for New Year’s Eve. If someone is planning something, I meekly request an invite… If not, it may be time for another potluck at my place.

12) It’s time to go dancing again. Anyone else think that? Let me know!

Friday, November 26, 2010

Day 324

I've not really blogged in what feels like a long time now. Mostly, it's because everything feels so jumbled lately. There is the persistent family issue, feeling rejected for the simple act of being who I am, for acting according to what seems right to me. Being out as a bisexual was not initially a 'decision' with my mother but the result of answering the phone at a bad time, while melting down over heartbreak. That was over two years ago. From then until a few months ago, I kept my silence, thinking it was better to keep the peace and hide parts of myself from the people I'm tied to by blood. Then, an inadvertent slip on Facebook made me realize that I couldn't keep hiding. I was tired of monitoring everything in an attempt to avoid controversy only to have a hammer slammed down on me when I slipped up or something out of control revealed the truths they didn't want to hear. That was sometime in June. I sat my mother down and explained to her that, like it or not, it was time that she accept me as I am, love me for the real me and that I felt an apology for some of the labels she was pasting on me was in order. I realize that some of this is redundant for some reading this and new to others. Forgive me for repetitiveness. To jump up to more recent events, my sister and my mother have been working hard to bring me 'back in line' through a lot of emails and efforts to get other family members to cut me out of their lives. It's been hard. I miss Alex, Emma and Parker a lot. Luckily, I got to see Parker for a bit when I drove down for a birthday lunch with Amy and Kevin had Alex and Emma call me while Angie was out on the actual day.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, possibly my favorite day of the year. It's always been a less stressful day and, to me, more about sharing time with those we love than gifts or religion or anything that divides people. Yesterday, I was with the people who have provided me more support and love in all this mess than I know what to do with some days. Lately, being treated with the kindness and understanding they give me makes me tear up (happy tears). I continue to try and focus on that, on what makes me smile. Like I said, there are days when it's difficult. At one point yesterday, I stood and watched the snow fall and wondered what the munchkins were doing. But, I remain thankful. It was a good day and I felt surrounded by love and light for much of it. I have to bastardize the video campaign promoted by Dan Savage and just keep telling myself that it will get better.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Day 308

Dear Grandpa,

Today's your birthday and you're on my mind as you are every year. I miss you. I think often about the things you taught me and the mannerisms you had that made you you. Of course, I'll always associate you with the jelly beans you kept on your dresser and the memories of you when I hear certain hymns are almost overwhelming. Today I find myself recalling the way you had a coconut cake each year and your sense of humor. That smartass streak you had, not that I would ever have called it that in your presence, seems to have been passed down to several of us and I know I find strength in that humor so often. I keep thinking of stories that Mom, Francie and Edna handed down to me--tales of how you would sit with me for hours, holding me when I was a baby, the way you punched Zeno Boyer for popping Keith's balloon and making him cry, how you used to chase Grandma through the house and catch her and tickle her until your kids pounced on you both...

Sometimes, lately, I think about the direction my life has taken, the things that make me so happy now that others find fault with and wonder how you would have reacted. I try to weigh the man you were as a minister with all those ideas about sin with the memories I have of you opening your home to me and Mom when she was ending her marriage to Doc or how you spoke out when she left Kevin, encouraging her to pursue happiness over stability. I think, honestly, that you shared that attitude with Grandma that being a family and supporting each other was the most important thing and that you would have found a way to still love me and be happy for me.

There are so many things I wish I had asked you, so many moments I would like to return to. You taught me what strength really was and that being strong didn't mean that you couldn't cry when a song touched you or that you couldn't laugh and be silly as an adult. I love you so much for all you were in your life and all that you gave me to carry on in my own life. You and Grandma are always, always with me.

With a heart full of love,