Sunday, June 27, 2010

Day 180

Can't deliver a regular blog today, trying to figure out how to handle returning to non-PSG land. Two poems written out in the closest thing to Heaven I've seen have to be worth something, though.

Fading (For Mia)

Yet again you leave
I feel your presence slip away
It sears me anew
Each time you take more
And the schism grows
Less of me stays alive
Less of me breathes
To make room for the longing
For you.


My unceasing plea: Stay.

Solstice Prayer
O Muse!
Speak to me of sun
and wind
and rain
and earth.
And the solace of mistlaced morns,
of drum scored dusks.
We watch and laud that the sun
Pushes on,
Gilding the treetops
Sending the supplicant leaves' edges curling upward.

We turn 'round with joy at the spiraling dance
Our true mother leads us in.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Day 160

Does anyone else ever have days where you feel like you want to say something and you have no idea how?

One of the things about hitting a plateau, emotionally and personally, is that you can feel both stuck and bewildered by the potential directions you could take. Think about it: You have this expanse of possibility in front of you with few things blocking the path but a lot of it looks the same and none of it seems to have any clear advantage over any other direction. And, at the same time, you don't feel like you're progressing or growing much. I've been going through days where I feel like I should withdraw from everything again and I can't seem to make myself do it. That's mostly because the flashes of joy I get lately are coming from *being* with other people and not from being alone. Right now, being alone sucks and it used to be a way for me to reconnect with me, to feel more centered. Something has changed again and I don't know if that's what's driving this recent upswing in bitching I've been experiencing or if it's just a sign that I'm not listening to me enough or doing what worked in the past until it starts working again.

Obviously I'm excited about PSG and getting all that together is still taking a lot of my focus. 12 more days until I leave for that and I still need something to sleep on and a few other supply items (not even getting into food). That makes me happy lately, thinking about that. That, some conversations I've been lucky enough to get to have with Emma recently, and joining up with the ARRG Jeerleaders (oh so much more on that another day) are the small bright spots in a time when I just feel out of step with so much else in life.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Day 156

In which I talk about an idea that seems weird even to me.

So, my counselor, Rachel, has this habit of assigning me homework. (I probably mentioned this and forgot. Redundancy is the new new.) Anyway, at our last appointment she gave me the assignment of finding a picture of myself from childhood that I liked (that showed me being a happy, unabashed kid) and putting it in a frame just as I would one of the munchkins. This actually presented more of a problem for me than you might think since I don't really like many pictures of myself as a child and usually respond to them with something close to "What the hell was I doing there?!" And, after a certain age my teeth started to go crooked so pictures of me smiling at all naturally are in short supply. However, I don't skip homework assignments-I'm pathologically unable to do that. So, yes, I found one. And, since I don't have a frame for this oddly sized Polaroid, I'm putting it on here (since I do that with pictures of the munchkins, that counts, right?)

Please reserve your comments (if you're inclined to make any...).