Wednesday, December 7, 2011


Hey Santa,

Yes, I know you're not REAL real. But, I figure there might be some force in the universe that pays attention to this stuff. And, that possibility makes it worthwhile to send a list of some sort out there. I don't really need these things immediately or by 12/25 but, keep them in mind. I'd like them at some point, especially if this is my only go-round on this planet.

I want more happy days than sad. They don't have to be ecstatic days. The quietly happy ones are better, anyway, in the long run.

I'd like to see this country get back to valuing democracy rather than oligarchy again.

Make the munchkins (and future munchkins) confident and happy and healthy, please.

I'd like to have a house with one purple room, chickens in the back yard, a puppy, lots of nice trees, a front porch and space for a garden and a pool.

You know that guy who's making me all kinds of happy? Yeah, that one. I want him to be as happy as possible, too.

At some point, I'd like some munchkins of my own, please.

I'd really like to have a hedgehog and/or a chinchilla. They're damn cute and I promise NOT to name them George although I would love them and hug them.

How about some progress on world peace and homelessness? That'd be good in the long term.

I'd also love a job that makes me happy. Not jump and down happy, necessarily, but fulfilled and content.

That's pretty much it. Things are ticking along pretty well for me. The world could use more love and less hatred but I think we're moving it along toward that, ourselves, albeit slowly.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011


For M., with love

These are the days of Atwood-tripping
Of falling upward
Of favorite Sundays and nerdlove
Sunbeam-bringing, scoopmeup love
Rainbow maker, your soul like oxygen

These are the days of cloud floating, pathway changing joy.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

11.8.2011 (gratitude catch-up)

I am continually grateful for trees. It sounds odd to some of you, I'm sure, but I have always derived comfort from them. Spending time among trees has been a way to ground and to find peace for many years. Add that to just how simple and beautiful and varied they are and I can't imagine the world without them.

I am grateful for good, heartfelt hugs. (Do I really need to elaborate on that one? Nah.)

I am grateful for my grandpa McGuire. When I was somewhere around 10, we had a conversation in the cemetery outside the area where the Horton family reunion was held about the Great Depression and just how terribly it affected many of the people he knew who were buried in that ground. When I was in fifth grade (and this is one I've not shared with more than one or two people I think), I peed my pants because I was in the middle of a book and kept skipping bathroom breaks to finish it. He and my grandma had to come pick me up and, seeing how utterly humiliated I was, he told me a story about almost the exact same thing happening to him when he was a boy and didn't want to leave the schoolroom to go to the outhouse. I have no idea if it was true but he made me feel okay at a moment when I felt just about as low as I could get. He was beyond the mold of 99% of men of his generation.

I am grateful for my chosen sisters, Dani and Stina. They have been there since before I got divorced, helping me see my way out of a terrible maze of unhappiness and supporting me through those very dark days. Dani, I believe, was the first person to say, "Leave. It's not getting better." Both of them reassured me and listened to me cry again and again when I was broke and carless. And, neither of them shies away from telling me gently when I'm wrong and helping me accept it. Better examples of true sisterhood are hard to find.



We dance of our dreams
But we write of our truths
Carving from flesh the words
That will breathe our visions
Into another's body.

Friday, November 4, 2011


I am happier than I have ever been. Is that bragging?

Today, I am grateful for my therapist, Karen. She has been remarkable at what she does and, as I've felt myself healing over the last few months (despite a difficult setback or two) I've recognized that she's played a huge role in that healing. It's an immeasurable gift.

Thursday, November 3, 2011


Today, I am grateful for never having experienced homelessness. I have had times when I questioned whether that would continue to be the case but I have always had a bed to sleep in and a roof over my head. As it rains outside, I think about the many who can't say the same and reaffirm my plan to spend at least some of Thanksgiving sharing food with them.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011


In terms of weather, October has always been my favorite month. But, in terms of events, I have to give the prize to November. November is the month that has my grandpa's birthday (the 10th), my birthday (the 14th) and, my favorite holiday, Thanksgiving. Take out all the hype about Pilgrims and Native Americans. Thanksgiving is the one major holiday that isn't about a religion. Or gift giving. Or, really, anything beyond an emotion, when you come right down to it. For me, it boils down to gratitude and the chance to spend time with those you love. It's separate from all the materialism tied to, say, Valentine's Day (which is supposedly about love but somehow devolves into being about jewelry or flowers). Real love. Just being together.

And, in the spirit of that, I want to start the month right by listing the many things I'm grateful for. I missed yesterday so, here are two to catch me up.

1) I am grateful for having been very healthy throughout my life. Despite not having any health insurance for a great deal of my adulthood, I managed not to have any major crises during that decade. That lack did not lead to major financial breakdowns and, at the same time, made me even more appreciative of the health insurance and care I have access to now.

2) I am grateful for having the right to vote. I have a voice in how I am governed and a way to affect the people assigned with that task. I know that, despite the continued attempts to chip away at women's rights and to deride feminism, my niece, Emma, and many other girls that will come after her, will continue to enjoy that through my utilization of it.

Monday, October 31, 2011


1) I moved to North County again. Feels familiar in good ways although I'll miss my apartment for a while, I'm sure. The cats seem to be settling in well and the unpacking process is moving along albeit somewhat slowly.
2) I wonder if other people outgrow the desire to just be held sometimes and told they're okay. I haven't.
3) Student teaching is in the questionable category again. I want to make the leap and get out of this job but my increasing awareness of the economy and job market has made me extremely hesitant that this is the right time.
4) In two weeks, I turn 35. The jury is still out on whether that milestone is going to go over easily.
5) The holidays creep ever closer which is kind of bumming me out today. I sent the munchkins their birthday gifts but haven't any indicators whether they got them or not.
6) The amazing boyfriend has been sick for just over a week.
7) I'm unbelievably sore from this move so, good night all.

Thursday, October 20, 2011


Well. It's been a while. Again.

Today is Alex's birthday. He's 11 which was a big birthday for me, as I recall. He's always been more of an introvert than his sister, a thing that I'm sure hasn't and won't change. I hope the universe sends him opportunities for laughter and goofiness over the next year.

So, that's a minor note in a composition that is, otherwise, in a major key.

I have a "boyfriend" now. The quotes are for the sake of full disclosure and because boyfriend looks silly in print. Manfriend? *shrugs* He's made of awesome. And, for reasons difficult to absorb, he thinks I am, too. It's cute. We disgust those around us while we roll around in a bubble of happiness. Like gerbils of love.

I get to quit my horrid job and go back to school for student teaching! Given that this job continues to be a horror, that item alone results in many, many, happy dances. It does involve a move back to North Co., though, and that's going to be interesting.

Call this one questionable if you must but I claim it for the happy category. My life is more peaceful now than ever it has been and a huge piece of that is because I'm still keeping up big, spike-studded walls to keep family issues at bay. I'm sharing a lot more on here than I have on social networks just to keep the bio-family from stealing chunks of my happiness. These days, I feel very proprietary about that. It's mine and you can't have it! *cue evil laugh and end of post*

Friday, October 7, 2011


For Bessie

You are never gone from me.
I can still find you in all the things you painted into my life
The kiss-spark of thorn studded roses
the crispness of yellow skinned apples carpeting the ground
the dewsong of robins amid tawny, crimson, paperbag brown leaves.

Thursday, September 22, 2011


I've had a lot of labels applied to me over my life. And, no, I'm not counting profanities. Many of these I have already managed to discard, knowing the sources of them and recognizing that those simply aren't accurate reflections of who I am. Others, though... I have to admit to some of them. Competitive, dramatic, stubborn. And, in some ways, I so badly want to justify those. To say, "here, this is why. It's not really *my* fault." Or something similar to that. The impulse is even stronger when these things come from sources I trust.


I have a very good therapist now. Karen, who I believe I mentioned having a good feeling about in an earlier post, is a big part of the healing I feel happening (and in some respects, more quickly than I expected). Usually, after a session with her, I find myself dusting off some newly unearthed realizations. So, what did I realize that merited this post after so long a silence?

It's my story. I'm writing this one. And, regardless of what life and the universe throw at me, I still get to decide what those events mean and how to respond to them. I get to choose what happens next. I get to look at the labels that surround me, regardless of their validity or source, and determine how much they mean and whether they hurt or are just a part of me that deserves as much love as, say, the labels that read kind or intelligent or funny.

This is my story. And, I'm rediscovering just how much I like it.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011


Black Dog

A snuffle

A soft padding through the undergrowth

As it grows closer, a howl of offering to the ever-darkening sky

The black dog hunts.

All the places you would hide,
Teeth dripping, bared

To close your eyes is to open your arms
The tearing to the bone is welcomed
A release from the mundane pain.

Thursday, July 21, 2011


Today was odd. Boredom inspired use of StumbleUpon turned up, within the span of this morning, the poem I read at my grandma's funeral three times. The feeling I got was close to how it felt when I had a dream about Grandpa Fitzwater back in April. So, it feels like she is moving on and was saying goodbye.

When I was a child, she used to do things for me, just for me. Small things like make sure she kept Kraft Mac and Cheese around because it was my favorite or rake the leaves in the yard up over and over so I could jump in them. Bigger things like actually talk to me and listen to what I said.

Before I moved to Texas, in 1998, I set aside a day just to be with her, to do whatever she wanted and to have time to talk. And, I remember so clearly her expression and the way she looked at me, saying goodbye then. "I love all of you," she said, "but it's just seemed like you were always closer." Before she died, she repeated almost those exact words about Emma. As I feel her moving on from this plane, I'm sad but I also *know* somehow that she and Emma and I are connected and will remain so.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011


I wonder sometimes why we don't talk more about the words we use or acknowledge their power. We use words to draw things and people closer. Wife, husband, girlfriend, daughter, son, pet. We personify things with names. Sable, Daisy, Zooey, Luna. We grant individuality with names, also, establishing someone's right to be separate from us at the moment they're born.

We also use words to draw a line between ourselves and people/things. Primitive, weird, different, odd. We create a hierarchy with words. Human, animal, meat. We reduce things to their smallest component or a facet of identity with words. Gay, straight, bisexual, hippie, nerd, yuppie. I think leg, wing and thigh fit in that category, as well.

It seems to me that, in both positive and negative ways, we use words to structure our reality, our ethics, our worlds. Why are so many of us so frightened or uncomfortable to examine them or to reconsider the way we use them or to acknowledge just *how* much power they have for us?

Tuesday, July 19, 2011


Things I'm thinking about today:

1) Dating is hard. It just is. Finding someone nice is hard, having that happen at the right time is hard, being in a place where you're ready to commit to something at all is hard.

2) The more I see of the world, the more I am convinced that violence and eating animals are connected.

3) The therapist I saw last weekend is very nice and knowledgeable. I think she's a good fit, personality-wise, as well. I'm cautiously optimistic again.

4) I took a nice mental health day today. Just hanging out at home in the a/c has been fabulous.

5) I've been cooking at home *slightly* more but I also need to get back to exercising. This heat doesn't help and there's no way I'm going to try to get out there before going to work. More thought needed.

6) Seems like I'm getting asked about the munchkins a lot lately. I'm not bawling over it at every mention but I miss them terribly. No idea if anything there will change at any time in the foreseeable future. I don't want to accept their absence but what is my alternative?

7) Only a few weeks until my road trip to Michigan. I cannot wait.

Friday, July 8, 2011


Yesterday, I got a raise and a favorable annual evaluation at work. So, if I don't see some progress on the teaching front by fall, I should at least be able to work toward getting out of this department and into one where I don't hate what I'm doing every day. I hope. I also really missed my grandma a lot yesterday. Some days, I'm still glad I have a physical reminder of her at home, even if it is a pillow.

Trying to plan a visit to Michigan to see some of the folks from PSG in either the first or second week of August. This will be the longest road trip I've undertaken alone so, I'm excited and, also, trying to figure out if Hal's up to it.

Got to hang out with Brandie and Chris a bit yesterday evening and have the best donuts in St. Louis as well as good conversation over tea. It was good to catch up and remind myself that my continued focus needs to be on healing. Also on that front, I have an appointment set up with another therapist and am hoping (again) that this one will be a good fit. Keep your fingers crossed for me, please.

Sunday, July 3, 2011


Last night, I went to a play with Lori. Danny and the Deep Blue Sea. Two very damaged people meet at a bar and go home together, engage in creating a beautiful fantasy of what life could be like together, face reality the next morning and struggle with trying to allow themselves the happiness they could potentially have amidst all their fuckedupedness. At one point, Danny tells Roberta that he forgives her for the terrible thing she's punishing herself for because no one else has. He GIVES her absolution for something that, in my thinking, she has no culpability in and she almost can't even accept that. SO much of their dialogue reminded me of some of my internal dialogue in the past. That's what I realized, trying to make sense of how ripped open the play made me feel. In the past. I haven't felt *that* level of self-blame in a while. No, I can't say I never think those things now but they've become rarities rather than the constant background music of my mind. I don't feel as alone and unable to connect as I used to. How and when did that happen?

How is it possible that I can be the person who, yesterday, had to cut more people out of immediate contact with me to protect myself and still feel, today, less like I'm at sea and alone? I can't make sense of it, somehow.

Saturday, July 2, 2011


I can't believe it's July already. I'm still dealing with feeling a bit down post-PSG. Communicating frequently with the new friends I made there is helping but I still long to return.

I made an appointment with my therapist again and am working on budgeting better so that I can make regular appointments more possible. I debated trying to find someone else who wouldn't approach the billing issues like they seem to in this practice but, ultimately, I felt that my current therapist's approach fit me quite well. The other issue is really on me to fix. And, despite not being naturally good at budgeting and tracking finances, I've been thinking this week that not pressuring myself to be perfect at it might help.

I'm being wonderfully lazy this weekend and only doing housework as I feel like it. The apartment hasn't quite recovered from me being gone but, it'll get there before I have to return to work on Tuesday. Re-reading Jane Eyre is so healing for my soul, as always, and returning to my meditation practices is helping me, too.

Monday, June 27, 2011

6.27.2011 (pt. 2--a rant)

Two of my cousins (a pair of sisters) deleted and/or blocked me from contacting them on Facebook today. I keep telling myself this shouldn't bother me and to just breathe and let it go. And, except for the following, I might find that more easily done.

When these cousins were continually put down and labeled by my mother and sisters, I stood up for them and argued for tolerance.
When my mother and sisters criticized and tried to derail one of their weddings, I was the *only* one of my immediate family who didn't participate in that and who attended said wedding.
I have baby sat both of these women as well as the children of one of them without asking for anything in return.
When the older of the two was brutally attacked by her estranged husband, I was there arguing against the victim blaming that many family members engaged in even to the extent of being willing to take photos that they could use later to demonstrate her injuries.
I have, as I do with most people I have affection for, offered advice, a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, for many years.

I am so hurt and angry over this. I cannot understand it.

I know my flaws pretty well. I may lack discretion, moderation, may speak without thinking or say the wrong thing. But, I know myself to be a good, loyal, person and I just cannot see how moving in the same direction as someone (my mother) who has denigrated, criticized publicly and made every attempt to take away from these people's happiness is justified.


Attending PSG for the second year was both familiar and new. When you drive in, the people working the gate are eager to greet "virgins" and have them come ring the bell, signaling to everyone in earshot that some newbies have arrived. I found that welcoming last year, in my usual self-conscious way. But, this year, I was truly welcomed home. Despite the change in venue and the reduced size of the campground, it had the same energy around every corner. Talking with Ella (who *was* the virgin this year), we both had noticed the positive energy that everyone we encountered seemed to give off. We camped in very close quarters, dealt with rain and mud and even the threat of tornadoes. None of that came close to overshadowing the benefit of connecting, really connecting with people who are now family. I'm tearing up a bit writing this but, these words don't go nearly far enough. Coming back to the "real world" this time was even harder than last year. To elaborate, we camped next to a family with adorable triplets, three of the sweetest, most charming kids I've met. Add that to the three adults of the family being true kindred spirits in every sense of the term. Our late night talks and chats over coffee each morning made this PSG for me. I miss these amazing souls. Last year felt like a journey toward understanding myself more, through solitude (often) and that walk with the goddess in the candlelit labyrinth. This year, I walked with her again but found it more supportive and confirming of things I was finding from connecting with others, through externalizing my conflicts and being supported that way and through discussing memorable dreams as well as just sharing laughter, food and time together. I don't have a ready, pithy conclusion about what I've taken away this year and, I think part of that is an internal resistance to letting the experience and connections fade. It's also partly that I'm once more thinking deeply about what I really want and what makes me happy. I can't articulate those thoughts yet. Maybe with some more meditation on them. That's it for now except that I just want to keep feeling that love I felt surrounding me there and send it further afield to you all.

Friday, June 17, 2011


Once, there was a little girl whose parents loved her very much. They loved her so much, in fact, that they worked very hard to protect her from all the things about her that were bad. Over and over they corrected those bad habits and punished her so that she would learn to only be the good version of herself.

By the time the girl reached twelve, her parents had made much progress with her. So much progress, in fact, that she was allowed to work outside of her home and, when going out of town, they felt very comfortable letting her stay home while they and her younger sisters went away for a weekend. Making sure to leave her with careful instructions and money to purchase food, away they went for a merry break, waving goodbye as they drove away.

Once alone, however, the girl began to remember stories she'd heard of things that could happen to children without their parents and her fear of the dark, previously quieted by the parents' warnings rushed back. All houses make noises and, as the sun sank lower in the sky, she became more and more aware of ones she'd never noticed before. Before evening could set in, she had formed a plan so that she could have some company for the night. Another family lived nearby with three little daughters who, although some years younger than her, were often quite friendly to the girl. She decided to invite the oldest of these girls to her home and, for the young neighbor's help with household chores, shared with her some of the money her parents had left her. The night passed quite pleasantly, with the two girls sharing food and watching movies.

By the time her parents had returned home, the girl had forgotten her fears and was looking forward to seeing her family again. As they brought in their luggage and remarked on how clean the home was, her parents' smiles faded, hearing the tale of what she had done with the money they entrusted her with. They knew that all of the badness they had worked so hard to remove from her character was making a reappearance and, quietly, it was decided that the girl's mother would discuss this with the girl alone.

When the time was right, and the girl's sweet younger sisters safely away, her mother spoke to her, to discover exactly what she had done while they were away. "What did you do," she asked, "to the neighbor child? Why did you need to give her the money we trusted you with?" The girl, frightened of both her bad nature resurfacing and her mother's angry disappointment, averred that she had done nothing but simply wished not to be alone for the time they were gone, a statement that was clearly not true and that her mother swept aside immediately, determined to root out the evil in her child. Again and again, she sought the details of her daughter's wrongdoing but was finally forced to unwillingly abandon her questions as the willful child turned to tears and silence.

She remained, however, watchful for further signs of wrongdoing until, with patience and effort, it became less and less necessary. For, with time, the girl became able to take over what her parents had begun. They congratulated themselves, then, on their success and were able to breathe much more easily.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011


Last week was pretty close to the week from hell. It felt like everything was happening at the same time to make me feel like utter shit. 1) Angie and the rest brought the munchkins to the city to go to the Magic House and, rather pointedly imo, didn't tell me until afterward when she posted a note on Facebook about it. 2) Major, major communication breakdown with a friend triggering all my abandonment fears. 3) The ex-husband called me at work out of the blue to ask if we could try to renew our friendship, triggering a whole host of *other* types of fears. I don't think a single day went by without major tears last week.

This week is better and a lot of my tension has ebbed away again. And, I do want to give myself some small pat on the back for putting myself first in the exhusband situation. It was difficult and there are still residual doubts about turning him away but the alternative was not a good possibility for me.

I also think I learned a bit more about what are hot buttons (for lack of a better term) for me and what I need when I'm feeling stressed and scared. I forget sometimes just how differently people (even people I trust and feel close to) react to stressful situations. Somehow, I feel as though I need to become far more comfortable with not having someone to catch me at those moments or provide reassurance.

As for the situation with the munchkins... It doesn't seem like there are many good options other than trying to maintain contact with them from a distance. I have some ideas for care packages I can send them periodically and I hope that they'll be able to at least respond to the notes I include with those. I hate that that's the best I can do but at least it'd be something.

PSG starts this Sunday and I need it. I may not get another post in before that but I'm sure there will be plenty to say after.

Monday, June 13, 2011


Happy Working Song

They make tiny cuts


Here and there
Chest and knees and scapula get marked
A map for them to follow with their
Scarlet hot instruments

They take exquisite care and inch
Your skin downward
Away from your ruby flesh

The hobgoblins sing as they flay their victims
Happy working songs
To cover the whimpers
Of the naked souls
On whom they toil.

Saturday, June 4, 2011


Someone suggested today, after hearing a story from my childhood that I haven't shared with anyone but a therapist and (maybe) my exhusband, that this may be a time when that pain could actually heal. And, I started this blog planning to share it but I'm still not sure. I feel the need to get it out, to express it but... I guess I need to process it more.

Life is okay, getting better in some ways, staying the same in others. In other words, the bio family stuff is the same except even quieter. I had what was an epic date last week and look forward to more time with someone I almost instantly clicked with, a kindred spirit. :) I have been working on meditating more and I keep making my focus what makes me happy and starting each day with acceptance of where I am and being present as much as I can in each moment.

I'm ready for PSG. More so each day.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

5.3.2011 is a day when I wonder how well people around me, those to whom I feel close, really know me. Am I too open or not open enough? Does it appear that my life is one of misery when that's actually not the case? Well, aside from work which just sucks most of the time. Oddly, I remember a time when I was much happier with this job and delighted with the comfort and security it honestly does offer. That fact makes me feel like I've become far too prone to finding the negative in a situation and not viewing the positive in it. It's true that I feel conflicted about what goes on at this research university and my part in it. It's also true that I don't really work that hard and I have benefits that I thank my lucky stars for after having spent years working the system and doing without basic health care. If you were to ask me what I wanted out of my professional life now, though, I do want to get to explore more ways to rediscover my sparkle (more on that below, I promise). It may be raw egotism but I do believe I have gifts and abilities that I just can't employ here or in any type of Office Job. I want work that I can smile about doing.

So, to the sparkly stuff. Picked up this book at Pudd'nhead Books the other day that I both love and hate. I think it is a beautiful creation and something that might be good for Em to have at some point. I know I wish I'd found it as a child and been able to keep and return to it as an adult. However, it also reduced me to a sobbing mess as I thought about how crushed and inhibited what sparkle I had as a child was. This is the book in question. When I was the 7 year old I picture in my mind, the girl with crooked teeth whose family told her to change her laugh, the teenager who was (I know now) really skinny whose mother pushed her to keep losing weight and to conform, conform, conform... back then, I knew exactly who I wanted to be. I wanted to be the intelligent, accomplished, hippie who made her own rules. And, I see myself now and I wonder if anyone sees glimmers of that woman peeking through the carefully created/developed in response to dire straights person I am most of the time. Deep down, I wish I had a guide to shedding this fearful outer shell and living the life I dream of. I tell myself(and I hope that it's true) that I am working toward that little by little. I just don't know if it's obvious that it's a continuing process from the outside or if I just appear the fool who believes she can be something she can't.

So, I'm struggling with that. I'm also struggling with feeling like too much of my life is filled up with "shoulds" instead of the things I want to do. Some of that comes from feeling tired of this job but some of it comes from continuing to feel responsible for parenting those who should have parented me instead. I'm torn between guilt at avoiding that obligation lately and relief that I'm able to and a feeling of elation at the times when obligations other than that seem to disappear, a thing that may be making me into a shitty friend. If I bail on something I planned with anyone reading this, I'm sorry--I'm just trying to find a balance somehow, some way.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011


Hands up if you like the random, list-type blogs! The rest of you: Sorry, but that's what you're getting.

1) Letting go of expectation, the illusion of control, and anything else similar to those things is the best feeling.
2) I got a summons for jury duty. I actually want picked! I could use that time to do some *serious* reading.
3) I registered for Pagan Spirit Gathering. That leaves, over the next two months, getting Hal's tie rod replaced and just getting the camping equipment I'll need together, expenditure wise. Suggestions on food for the week I'll be out in the woods are welcome.
4) I got to see the Munchkins briefly a couple weeks ago when I went to Marion for Emma's baptism. There's just never enough time with them.
5) I currently have about five different books at different stages in the reading process. I LOVE Sara Gruen and am flying through Ape House after devouring her first novel, Water for Elephants. Stranger in a Strange Land is another, very different story. Reading lots of non-fiction lately--how odd is that??
6) Peace seems to be growing exponentially with ever more time without being treated to my mother's bullying tactics of conversion.
7) I've been a bad jeerleader and book club participant lately but, at the same time, the Queer Book Club I started seems to be really taking off. I feel all accomplished about that.
8) I had to take a break from the walking/jogging that I was doing because of some inflammation in my hip but I'm ready to get back out there now. Oh, also, I was seduced into roller skating and didn't hate it.
9) Still on a hiatus from any romantic pursuits although there is some very interesting potential that could go either way depending on whether we can be in the same state for any length of time. This one... She definitely brings out the flirt in me and makes me forget a lot of my hangups and shyness. It's a distinctly different type of grin, what she inspires.

I think that's it for now. I make no promises but there may be more on the whole 'roller skating' thing soon.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011


Before Cornelius Eady Reads

Poetry is
Supposed to kill you.

A sudden, non-eroding
Clutching flash of death.

The mid-sex heart attack
While crying out your satiation.

The silent creep of old age
Nursing homes and unturned calendar pages.

Monday, April 4, 2011


I set out this month to complete the Poem a Day challenge but I got stuck on the very first prompt. "How did you get here" I've repeated those words to myself over and over again since Friday. How *did* I get here? There are obvious answers in biology and genetics as well as in the material I read and the people I've surrounded myself with and been surrounded by. I still don't have a complete answer although the poem I wrote, Origins, attempts to answer some of what is implied in that question. (See my post from 7/30/10 for it) I got where I was until the time of my divorce by playing it safe and calling it something else. I stayed there out of fear--a deep seated fear of being who I was inside, the person I was taught was bad and defective, coupled with sheer terror at failing at marriage and being alone forever. It still amuses me on a certain level when people respond to me saying how long I was married with some kind of statement about it being an accomplishment. I suppose that might seem dismissive. After all, it does take strength to endure and hold on. It has to be weighed, though, against the motivation behind it, I think. To hold on out of fear of change to *anything*, is a negative behavior, in my opinion. Growth occurs through change, through taking risk. I am still not where I want to be in that regard but I'm moving toward it by inches (or so it feels some days).

I remember the little girl I was and I keep trying to eradicate some of the disdain I feel toward her. She was silly and light-hearted and wanted nothing more than to create, and to get to be in a world where people were happy. At a certain point, the effort to hang on to that began to seem foolish and, well, childish in a world that demanded an acceptance of responsibility. Thus develops an adult who finds it hard to stay put, to not seek constant escape in one form or another.

Over the weekend, it occurred to me that my greatest challenge now may be to return to the creativity that was so strangled from within and without for years and to stay put rather than seeking escape. Stay, stay, stay, I kept feeling a tiny voice say to me. I'm setting aside the books that I escaped into over and over again and pushing myself to focus on ones that ask me, instead, who this person holding the book really is. I'm signing another lease soon and listening to that voice. Since the last time I wrote, also, I'm feeling more level in general. Thanks, all, who kept that positive energy sent this way. More of it will continue to be appreciated.


Saturday, March 26, 2011


To put it bluntly, I'm not having the best time lately. I'm just not feeling like me and it really sucks. I don't recall feeling this lost before. There are lots of things that I guess I could say but don't feel very good about putting out there. Positive thoughts and energy would be helpful.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

3.16.2011 (pt. 2)

For My Newphew's First Birthday

It's true that the world is small.
Filled with people who connect in odd ways
At odd times
It's one of those bewildering truths.
It's true and not true at the same time.

It's true right up to the point in time
When I look in your eyes.

That is to say when I'm holding you and I fall into them and the world magnifies, I realize--

I had things reversed.

You humble me.


Last night was awesome wrapped up in giggling and goofiness. It was followed by a super-anxiety inducing dream. *Big sigh* I really needed that, right? I'm working hard again, thinking of things that need attention and areas that need growth. Work still sucks but I have scored a three day week and have a much needed visit with Stina to look forward to. But, because I'm feeling off and trying to refocus on expending more energy on what I need rather than trying to fix others' issues, here's a brief list. Anyone want to help me find some of this stuff?

I need more that feeds my soul
Glee (in all the current usages it exists in)
Words that flow like the water at Zoe
Less thorn studded walls
Creative outlets
A good long hike/a picnic
Love (the unconditional kind would be nice)

All of the above without agenda or "shoulds" attached to them.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011


Look at that, two posts in two days! Probably shouldn't get used to it.

I was so down yesterday and last night that even grabbing food with Chi didn't pick me up much. Then, listening to some cds on healthy boundaries and relationships just made me feel worse. Oh, and I fell in the tub, bruising myself nicely. Some bruises (like jeerleading obtained ones) are just better than others.

But, I woke up this morning feeling unaccountably better after having a dream that featured my grandma. Can't really remember the details, just that she was the reassuring, calming, presence she was in life in the dream. It was nice. Here's hoping this is a sign that my days will start getting better.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011


Be warned that this post is fairly Pagany/New Age-y.

Reiki. Google it, please, if you're not familiar. A friend of mine practices it and she and I have talked about it over the last couple months. What's been happening, after a couple of emotional conversations in that time, is that I've felt, afterward, as if my throat was just closed, to the point that it was difficult to swallow at points. The feeling passes with time but, having had the experience twice, I'm pretty damn sure that she's right in saying it seems like my throat chakra is blocked somehow. Each time, she's asked what I'm not communicating that I need to or what's keeping me from saying what I need to say. My response could be a list, if I put everything out there. And, yet, I'm saying more (particularly at the times in question) than I normally would. I'm not sure if I'm not communicating things well or if the point I'm trying to make isn't being understood or if some of the things that I can recognize I'm holding back need said more than I think they do. I'm frustrated even more by the possibility that the solution is to be completely open and risk some fairly huge losses. After losing so much in the last six months? The thought is exhausting.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011


It feels like spring out today. Not a super warm spring but the feeling is in the air, finally. My thoughts are pretty scattered, not surprisingly.

1) Friday, I head down home to spend the night at Amy's before Parker's birthday party on Saturday. Much as I love the munchkins, I'm really just eager to get it over with and deal with the fallout waiting for me.
2) Queer Book Club, my new project, is developing well. It's been more rewarding to plan for that and the upcoming meetings than almost anything else going on lately.
3) I miss C. Still.
4) I keep looking at this new tattoo. Really pleased with it.
5) I have too many thoughts in my head lately about what I am and am not. About what will work and make me happy and what won't. I had clearer ideas about all of that at 17 than I do now.
6) Today is one of those days where it feels like being at the wrong job is a big energy suck. And, I sort of wonder if finding something more satisfying wouldn't help me think more clearly about some of these other questions.

Mostly, especially since I read an article about girls and their attitudes about challenging themselves, I find myself thinking about the person I wanted to be and the things I loved as a child. It just seems like we girls weren't taught that we had the ability to succeed at *anything* we could want to do but that we were supposed to have inborn abilities that determined who we could become. So much came easily for me, academically, that I didn't have to push myself and, frankly, trying something and failing wasn't worth it when remaining in the neat box laid out for me was so much easier. Except that, now, I wonder what I cast aside that I could be doing.

Sunday, February 27, 2011


Dear Mom and Dad

My dreams turn desperate
as you leave me again
with nary a fucking backward glance
I struggle homeward through the snow
Helped by strangers, reaching out for friends
Waking alone with a tear-streaked face
To a pretty empty promise.

Friday, February 25, 2011


I'm growing more used to the idea that I need my anti-depressants to stay level. And, *that* makes me uncomfortable. That belief has more to do with other people's opinions than with what's healthy for me but it's a strong one even though I'm not a subscriber to the notion that we have to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps. What a load of shit that myth is and how much suffering it's probably contributed to. But, despite my discomfort, I generally manage to do what needs done. (Just ignore the dirty dishes in my sink-they don't count.) That attitude coupled with my innate stubbornness made following through on blocking my mother from emailing or phoning me much less difficult. The guilt still followed, naturally. What kind of person has to take that step? What kind of person *can* take that step? The Anita kind, I guess. Further to that, I guess I shouldn't be surprised that Angie will no longer answer her phone or return my calls. It still stings, though. And, of course, I've got that nagging voice in the back of my head asking what it's going to be like to go to the newphew's first birthday party next weekend. Only one way to find out.

Thinking about boundaries, labels, relationships all at the same time a lot lately but more on that another day.

Friday, February 18, 2011


Oscar Wilde said that one should either know everything or nothing. I'm paraphrasing, of course, but it seems apropos lately. And, in keeping with that, I'm going to go ahead and admit that I'm closer to the "nothing" end of the spectrum. Now, before anyone (if they were inclined to do so) argues that point, I mean it in the sense of self-awareness and the like. So, it's time to figure a few things out and to develop some more concrete ideas on what exactly I want rather than going back and forth as I have done. It's going to be about healing instead of just patching things up and trudging on for a while. Some of that will probably wind up here but, who knows. If I'm silent, I'm not gone, just being still.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011


Here I sit, watching a blizzard take shape outside my window while Luna snuggles and tries to prevent me from typing any more. Life is weird-that's the best way I could fill in the blanks lately to try and cover what's been happening. Emma's thyroid is causing her further problems and she may have to undergo a procedure to have it destroyed. (I'm sure that's not a wholly accurate description of what is done to it but it's the closest one I can get from my sister.) I'm working on finding a new therapist since the one I've seen twice is just not a good fit. But, she did present me with an idea that has been helpful lately. More on that another day. Actually, I think that's it for now. Someone cute is sleeping on my couch and I think I'll go snuggle for a bit.

Sunday, January 23, 2011


Happy Sunday! Here's another list!

1) I finished reading Tales of the City yesterday. Loved it. Not sure where it belongs, genre-wise but it's certainly getting a high recommendation from me.

2) I haven't been knitting a damn thing lately. Ella's shawl and Tim's socks have been stuck in one spot on the needles for a while. I need to return to my Tuesday knitting friends to regain my motivation, I think.

3) Got to see the munchkins briefly at the Magic House and will probably be driving to Marion to see Em cheer next Saturday. I would *love* a volunteer to go with me.

4) The battles with the heating in this apartment seem to have died down. Just waiting on my landlord to put the furnace on it's own circuit breaker so it doesn't resume kicking off periodically.

5) I have to say there is nothing better than being around those who truly love you. I still sink periodically but a couple people keep nudging me back toward that inner optimist. In particular, my brother, Tim (One of us adopted the other, or maybe it was a mutual decision) keeps managing to make me laugh just when I think I can't. All of my friends have been fabulous, honestly, about helping me refocus on what's good instead of what really, really sucks. Love.

6) I keep thinking about the idea of mindfulness and, also, meditation. I'm trying to channel the reading I do into areas that will lead to self-improvement rather than just escaping. Any suggestions on that topic would be appreciated.

7) Cats are wonderful creatures. As I write this, Luna and Daisy are trying their damnedest to snuggle up to me and make sure I'm covered in cat hair for the day.

8) Family of origin stuff remains the same.

9) I feel the need to make a snowman or snow angels or both.

10) I'm going to be truly irresponsible and buy myself something decadent for breakfast.

More another day.

Friday, January 7, 2011


I want to move and be still at the same time
To write without leaving a mark to be judged
To dance and to watch others dancing
To leave here and to plant my roots deep

I have grown too comfortable
too eager to accept your kindness
to feel warmth in the midst of the ice storm

I am lost.

I turn, circling myself, as I look for the answer
The freezing wind burns me, familiarly.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011


Okay, here's what's in my head, sans most of the details. I'm feeling pretty lost lately. And, no, not in a good way. I debated for the last three days whether to even write on here anymore. I still haven't settled that question. Is trying to articulate the things that happen and my thoughts on them even a worthwhile endeavor anymore? I've been hiding out, physically and emotionally, from almost everything and it feels good. And, that, of course, scares me if I let myself think about it too much. So, I'm not thinking much these days. I'm pursuing what feels better than that and escaping into books or video games as much as possible. I have no plan for now that extends much beyond the necessities.