Saturday, October 23, 2010

Day 290

Last week, I was in a place where I could see things improving with some of my family over time. Particularly with my sisters, I felt like they were growing more accepting and tolerant of me. And then I got the most hurtful message from Angie and it just made me realize how little interest they have in being a family with me at all. I still got to visit the munchkins for their birthdays but everything felt different and false. More so than it ever has. I don't know what else to say or do with them but the fragile hope I had has faded almost completely. I've been telling myself since that it will get better or hurt less but I simply can't see how right now. The one thing that has provided some comfort are the many messages of support and love that I've gotten from my friends over the last few days. Shoulders to cry on, hugs, willingness to listen-I need more vocabulary to fully articulate just how much I needed those things and how readily available they were from people who were (in some cases) also directly targeted by my sister with hurtful words and labels. That's all I have right now. Maybe tomorrow will find me with more.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Day 285

I got married 14 years ago today. Maybe someday October 19th will just be another day and I won't find myself occupied by the two thoughts that have kept recurring all day long. Thought 1: I know that I both did the best thing for me in ending my marriage and that it was a decision that I made under pressure and not in the way I would have liked to have made it. I regret that I couldn't find a way to end things calmly and honorably after the years I spent with Alan. But, I'm not fond of hanging on to what's gone and I value my ability to look ahead. Things ended. My life is different now and, in many, many, ways I have a far richer life now than I believed possible before November 2007. I'm happier now and more at peace more of the time. And yet, thought 2: I feel like I contribute very little to the world around me. I enjoy my life and I recognize what I've done in pulling myself back up out of the hole I lived in for a very long time. But I still wish that I were able to see something more than just the passage of time being accomplished as days, weeks and months pass. Failing in the attempt to help a friend who needs it recently-I'm still just disappointed in myself and my lack of patience. I think it disappeared at some point near the end of my marriage. Even though I care deeply about people, I have so much less tolerance and just plain patience than I used to have and I feel very badly about that lack in my character.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Day 276

I finally got in that hike I'd been promising myself and it was so great to get out in the woods, far enough out that the traffic noise disappeared. I really pushed myself this time and that tiredness might be why I have felt so 'blah' the rest of the day. Had to take scissors and cut away some of Sable's fur since she seems to be developing some kind of skin condition. Hopefully it clears up without a vet appointment. Back to the blahs-I'm starting to feel like the only single woman left around here again. Big, empty, apartment and a growing feeling of purposelessness and getting a couple buttons pushed have me feeling like I'm turning into my father despite all efforts to avoid it.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Day 271

The last few days have been rough. I'm starting to feel a downward slide in my mood as winter approaches. And, I'm trying to think of ways to combat it but they're just not readily forthcoming at the moment. Mostly, I'm trying to just not devote much energy to that feeling so that it doesn't get a stronger hold on me.

One thing that has been occupying my mind a lot lately is the way some people approach dating/romantic relationships and how it varies from my evolving perspective on it. Back when I was married, the idea of belonging to one person was a big deal. He was *my* husband, my responsibility, my other half, etc. And, one of the things I realized in the process of extricating myself from that relationship is that that way of thinking is just unhealthy for me. So, now I find myself looking at other people's relationships and wondering why they would pursue such an attitude or whether it's healthier for them than it turned out to be for me. Anymore, what I ideally want is not someone with whom I shut out the rest of the world but someone who engages with it along with me, who could add to and join the circle of friends I so value rather than drawing me away from them. I've been spending more time lately with a couple who seem to really have the healthiest marriage I've encountered. Brandie and Chris truly seem to be each other's best friend and partner and I notice that there is an attitude of openness and support for each other's outside interests and friendships. I hope that it's not as rare as it seems to be. Are they the only ones who can achieve that? I certainly see a lot of couples who *don't* manage to do that successfully but, having seen that someone, somewhere, can make that happen makes me think that I wouldn't want to settle down with someone with whom I didn't have that.

My last doctor's appointment turned up a vitamin D deficiency and I'm still deciding whether to go ahead and get the supplements she prescribed or not. Been spending time outside when possible in an effort to get more sun and I'm hoping that that will help to correct the issue.

I did get to spend weekend before last with the munchkins and it was exactly what I needed. Emma has developed quite a bit of sass over the last few years and, despite the fact that she bloodied Alex's lip at one point, I think it's actually a good quality in her. She doesn't take anyone's shit. On the other hand, I think Alex's confidence level is still about the same and I'm starting to have some concerns about ways to get him out of his shell more. He did well at football and is still pursuing guitar lessons so maybe he'll strike a balance there with time. Parker? He's a chunky little ball of sunshine and should be walking anytime now.

I've been trying to be more active in the community (think I talked about that some in a previous post) but I'm finding that difficult to balance at times with other activities. I love jeerleading but I need to find some kind of balance with that and other things.

Oh, and I'm putting together ideas for my birthday next month. I hope that some people who couldn't make it last year will be able to this time around.

That's about it for now. More another day, hopefully with knitting goodness included.