Exhaustion

is not pretty. I feel like I haven't slept in days despite getting a good eight hours last night. So, I'm gonna ramble here briefly, eat something and go to bed.

I babysat my cousin Krista's kids yesterday instead of getting time with Alex and Emma. My cousin Wayne, who's had cancer for years that has been kept fairly under control through radiation treatments, is not doing well and Mom, Aunt Edna and Kim (Krista's mom and grandma for those who don't know) all headed to Kentucky to be with him. So, Angie didn't make the trip from IL and I filled in at the last minute as babysitter to Kade, Gracie and Faith. This was after a morning at the Farmer's Market. I think Kateri's tea business is really going to take off and it was another very busy morning there. The intermittent downpours made things interesting there as well.

Anyway, three kids under seven years old are a handful no matter how you slice it. And, despite planning on taking it easy today, I couldn't turn off the internal "You Must Clean on Sunday" directive that persists in making me actually do something around this apartment.

But, I did go knit for the afternoon and have made a fair bit of progress on my increasingly beautiful sweater. Seriously. I plan on wearing the hell out of this thing when I finish it if it even comes close to fitting me. I have also gotten Holly's baby gift as far as I can go with it until I get more yarn. And, that's not happening until after I get paid sometime this week.

I sent off Green, No, and the untitled poem inspired by she who shall remain nameless to River Styx this week and, despite that being a tough thing to do, I feel really good about it. Whatever happens, I'm sure I'll blog about it, good or bad.

That's it for now-food and bed are calling me.

Why California is wrong

1) They've upheld a ban on gay marriage yet are agreeing to recognize those marriages that have already taken place. This represents a complete contradiction. Either something is constitutional or it is not. There can be no middle ground-you either respect and recognize the civil rights of all the citizens of your state or you don't.
2) The choice to yield to a public vote on a constitutional matter represents a horribly flawed notion of the law. Someone's rights are not/should not be determined by a populace. Either they are entitled to the rights or they aren't. It's not a matter of popularity or public opinion: someone is either allowed their full civil rights under the law or they're not.
3) And, that, frankly is what the bottom line is. Millions of people are being denied basic civil rights in this country because of their sexual orientation, a stance that is specious at best. And, it seems to me, that is also a stance that is rooted in a fundamentalist Christian belief system. It was this same belief system that advocated laws against interracial marriage for far too long-even after recognizing Black citizens as equal members of this society. (Don't believe me? Look it up. Jim Crow laws and the like made it a crime well into the 1960's for a interracial couples to marry with many of the same 'destruction of society' arguments that we're hearing today about gay marriage.) And, for the record, civil unions are nothing more than an attempt to reinstitute a 'separate but equal' policy. I have no problem with the idea that a gay couple cannot walk into a Baptist church and get married. That's a religious ceremony and, as such, is governed by the bylaws of the synod that leads the denomination. What I'm talking about is that any citizen who has reached the age of majority in this country should, by virtue of his or her citizenship be able to marry any other citizen who has reached the same benchmark and call it what it is: a marriage. All citizens are equal under the law and the idea of separate but equal was struck down by the Supreme Court of this COUNTRY (not an individual state, mind you) in order to integrate schools when the justices finally realized that separate cannot, by definition, be equal. It simply can't. And, to deny a great portion of our citizens the right to commit themselves to one another because they happen to love someone of the same sex is nothing more than a repeat of that idiocy. We discarded that policy for a reason. It's a bullshit policy based on an attempt to appease those who would mark people different than them as deviant or wrong simply because they are different. It wasn't right when we did it to African-Americans, refusing to recognize their basic humanity, their intelligence and their potential contributions to this country. It wasn't right when we did it to women, refusing to allow them a voice in the way they were governed or to hold property in their own names. It wasn't right when we did it, in various forms to Asian Americans, Irish Americans, Native Americans, etc. It was wrong then and it's wrong now. More so, perhaps, because we should have learned these lessons in the last century even if we were late to them, even if we went kicking and screaming (some of us, anyway). What's happening in California represents a step backward for far too many people. Gay men and women in this country are citizens and, if for no other reason than that we are supposed to be a bastion of freedom and individuality, they deserve and have earned the right to have it recognized. To ask them to take anything other than the full rights of American citizens-to love whomever they choose and to be able to declare that love by marrying freely and having that marriage recognized in all fifty states is abhorrent, wrong, and anti-American.

No

Emily dear,
No, I am not nobody-
And it saddens me so
That you were.

Yes, it's true, I applied for membership
In that select society
Imagining, perhaps, that it would bring
An afterlife with you and Anne,
Sylvia and, sometimes, Adrienne.

What a party we would make.
Fine porcelain cups of rough whiskey
That scalds throats and tears eyes.
Honesty, I suppose, we could label it
And deliver it unflinchingly to all who dared approach.

It seems a pretty prospect.

But still I must decline
To be nobody with you.
For even in my solitude
The knowledge of my unshrinking self remains.
And in that knowledge, strength to let the cup pass me by.

Oh, also

I finished the first four books in the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series. They're awesome! I highly recommend them. I also finished this month's book club read, City of Thieves by David Benioff which was very good. Started Julia Glass's latest novel today and like it so far.

I now have about five projects going and it's getting out of control. Stina's scarf was supposed to be done nearly six months ago and I think she's starting to think I'm just making it up. The baby blanket of doom is going to take twice as long and twice as much yarn as I thought it would. Meanwhile, I'm in love with the sweater I'm working on and can't spend time on it like I want since it actually requires concentration.

I have a three day weekend coming up and am nearly desperate to go do something fun. Fun. Just thoughtless, silly, unadulterated (how apt!) fun. Anyone have any suggestions?

I'm all jumbled lately

And it sucks. To live a life with no regrets-that's what you hear people say they want to do. As if that's realistic. You're going to regret something because you have to choose one path or another at some point. There's probably going to be a part of you somewhere that wonders just what was all along the journey you could've taken. Well, unless you win the lottery and get to live all your wildest dreams. And, that ain't happening, it seems. So, how do you decide what to put off (possibly forever)?

*sighs*

Maybe I just need a vacation.

So tired

Woke up this morning sore all over again. This mattress has got to go! Also, it'd be nice if I could never again have a dream about Alan. Especially one in which I beg, plead and cry for him to take me back while feeling terrible (in that all-consuming, panicky, dream way) about having slept with other men. Ugh. Aside from that, I wanted to go work out this morning and, having logged on to find the location of a campus gym near my office, have now realized that the WUSTL website isn't conducive to actually finding anything. *chants to self to think positive* Okay, thinking positive thoughts, happy thoughts. I'll look for it after work cause I have a bit of extra time there now. PMS being in overdrive, btw, doesn't make it so easy to shut negative thoughts up. Neither does the fact that Sable responded to the cheaper cat food by puking it up all over the floor. Iams it is, then, from now on. Hope there's nothing really wrong with her. Okay, time to get dressed and head off to work.

Who needs chronological order?

I've just moved my blogs for most of this year from myspace and, for some reason, it's put them in reverse chronological order. So, if you're reading this, start at the bottom of today's posts for the most recent one.

I am oh-so-happy!!!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Current mood: content I spent yesterday evening lying in the floor in my pj's, eating a grilled cheese and turkey sandwich and playing with Daisy, who has learned to fetch her little pink rubber ball now, while watching Lost. Then, I did a couple Sudoku puzzles, cleaned up the kitchen and went to bed. The significance of this? I have all the utilities on in my apartment and am annoyingly comfortable there. I love it. Anyone who wants to can come over for dinner whenever-just let me know what you want for said dinner and don't fault me for not having much furniture yet.

Why it may not be advisable for me to have kids after all

Sunday, January 25, 2009

I found a reason last night. And, yes, right now I only have the one reason. Let me wander into a medium length story and see if you all can figure out why. A cookie will be the reward of any who can discern the correct answer! So, yesterday, I ran errands and enjoyed my apartment. It was a peach of a day despite the cold. That is, until about 9 pm when I went to the kitchen for a snack. I hear this noise that sounds vaguely like Daisy's fighting with something. Usually it's food or her little pink ball. However, when I turned around I see my kitten chewing on her own paws and drawing blood while doing so. From this point on, I hereby declare temporary insanity. I grab her and try and get her to stop while simultaneously getting clawed and frantically calling a late night animal hospital. (Yes, they have those.) They said to bring her in so, while continuing to struggle with her, I grab my coat and jump in the car. So, then, I'm in the car, trying to at least keep an eye on her to make sure she's not devouring her own feet. I have no idea how but I manage to hit the car in front of me. Hard. So hard, in fact, that my glasses and the glasses of the person driving said car flew off our faces. (Side note: Toyota Corollas can take a hit. Honda Civics apparently have bumpers made of plastic and cannot.) At this point, I'm trying to give the guy my insurance info, keep from freezing, help him find his glasses, wonder what exactly hit me in the eye during the crash and somehow make sure Daisy is still okay. We complete all that, I get back in my car and manage to keep from crying while finding the animal hospital and coaxing Daisy from under the front seat. So, I finally, finally make it to the animal hospital and they see us right away. Turns out, as the vet puts it, that they didn't have a clue what was wrong with her. Couldn't find any wounds on her paws or determine where the blood was coming from. The verdict ended up being that she is teething and must've been in so much pain from it that she was using her claws to pry at the loose tooth, something that no one there had ever seen or heard of a kitten doing. Bottom line: she was fine. I, however, was not so fine. Car accident+$95 vet bill+near anxiety attack over cat/car wreck=unpleasant conclusions about one's ability to handle parenthood.

Remembering

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

As this would be my grandma's birthday, I thought I'd share a bit about her. Those of you who were privileged enough to know her, feel free to tack on your thoughts/memories. Her name was Gladys and she was the greatest hugger ever. Nobody could top her there. She also made the best cinnamon rolls, fried chicken, biscuits-well, frankly, if she cooked it, it was the best of its kind. She was the oldest of five and, after her mother died during her childhood, she and her brothers and sisters were raised by their father who always, when asked why he didn't remarry, said that he'd be mother and father both to them. She married young, not quite sixteen, and had six children of her own. Although I can't speak to her abilities as a mom, I know that she always emphasized the importance of school as well as being one of the most loving women to walk the earth. I don't recall ever seeing her lose her temper although she wasn't shy about correcting us when we went wrong. I'm sure my sister and cousins on here can attest to the power she wielded with a very thin switch plucked from a nearby tree. When angry or tested, she would turn to music and I can still hear her voice as she'd sing hymns over the dishes or as she would escape to another room so no one would see her cry. She was intelligent and had an innate ability to get just about anything to grow as well as being able to see through issues that befuddled me at times. Ever an optimist, even when her heart was failing her she still managed to have a smile for everyone that visited her and to insist that she was 'doing just fine.' Through a life that saw many ups and downs, she remained a bright spot for all who knew her. I, who was lucky enough to be her granddaughter, can claim her as my personal hero. I miss her smiles and laughter and often find myself wishing I could sit down across her battered formica table from her and share a cup of tea with her just once more.

Hmmm...

Sunday, February 22, 2009

What HAVE I been up to? Well, I didn't run off to Ireland or Europe just yet. But, as I've been remiss in my blogging of late, I thought I'd fill you all in on what I have managed to do. Work is still good. I'm managing to stay put at Wash. U. for the time being although I've got no idea if they'll ever actually hire me. It's a weird situation, being a temp for this long. They keep talking about trimming the budget which is almost enough to make me twitch although my supervisor assured me the other day that my job was no less secure than anyone else's who is on staff. I think I'm supposed to feel better based on that. We'll see what happens. I like the job and the staff there so I'm doing my damnedest to think positively. I'm still settling in at the apartment. I need to hang up pictures and get some more furniture. As I write this, I'm lying in the floor next to my only chair. Of course, finding furniture hasn't been a problem as much as actually getting what I can find moved here and up the stairs. A co-worker gave me a coffee table but it's too large for my car and is currently still in her basement. I do, however, have internet access at home now and that's a big plus. Also, Daisy still hasn't quite gotten used to the size of the place and often wakes me up at night running at top speed from one end to the other. But, I have plenty of privacy, can cook a decent non-microwaved, meal and can do my laundry without it being a major operation. Oh, and, of course, there are the questions of what's happening in my social life, I suppose. To that I have to say, not much that's significant in terms of romance although I've still got the greatest set of friends ever. I've gone out with a couple different people but it never seems to go where I'd like for it to. Actually, I'm not really sure where I want things to 'go' these days anyway. I'm puzzling that one out and will have to get back to you on it. I keep holding the idea of adopting on my own in reserve and, a lot of the time, that feels like all I want anyway. I did the marriage thing-not too successfully for those who haven't been following along at home. I'm doing pretty well on my own and, given what I see in relationships around me a lot of the time, it might just be better to keep focusing on that. What else...I've been spending a lot of my free time reading up on Paganism again and getting certain aspects of it straight in my head. It fits in an undefinable way that no other belief system has in the past. (Side note: those inclined to condemn or judge this should feel free to simply move along) I'm learning and growing more and more, becoming more myself, it seems, as time goes on. I like that feeling. And, no, I'm not sure where the path of my life is leading me. This is one part of it. I feel good and at peace with it so far, I'm just going to keep going and see where it takes me. In all honesty, that last sentence pretty much sums up what I've been doing lately. I'm working on giving up that illusion that I have control over the bends and twists my life is taking and, instead, taking life as it comes and finding the positives, the little hidden gems, in it. It's surprising just how many there are to be found. There are a few things lately that I've really struggled with, mostly to do with the choices I see people I care about making but I can't control that either. All I can do is to continue to try and act according to the best that is in me. Can any of us really do any more than that, when you come right down to it?

3 days of quiet, tea and not much else

Sunday, March 01, 2009

So, I finally got a chance to see the psychic who made such an impression on me at last year's Pagan Picnic and have just gotten home. After the events of the last couple weeks, it was exactly what I needed and, despite not liking some of what she told me, I have to acknowledge that she was (again) dead on the money. Well, I can't say I didn't like what she said so much as I feel a tad uncomfortable with the clarity with which she dissected my current state of mind. First words out of her mouth? "Wow, are you ever feeling stuck lately!" I had honestly lacked words for the what I'd been feeling lately but 'stuck' pretty much covers it. The crisis with Stacy just brought it home even further-I've been spending time doing all this listening and not even bothering to tune in to what I needed and that's been stalling the progress I'd been making. I kind of started getting back to working on me last week but, getting the verbal bashing I got Thursday and Friday just further drove home the point as well as showing me that I really needed some sort of guidance here. As Melissa (the psychic) put it, I've been spending so much of the strength and energy I hold in reserve on trying to repair things for other people that I'm not leaving any for me. Hell, I've been so depleted this past week that I hardly have the energy to knit or read. I keep noticing (something else Melissa picked up on) that there are people in my life that keep repeating patterns of toxic behavior . If I step away from one, it seems like there's someone else ready to repeat the same thing or a slight variation on the theme almost immediately. (No, Monica, you're not one of them.) I have to start nipping that kind of thing in the bud before it gets to this point. And, oh, ye gods, is that going to be hard to do. It makes me feel cold and cruel just to think about it. But, that doesn't mean I won't manage to do it somehow. I'm tired of taking care of people only to have them turn on me, tired of trying to always be there for someone else only to be alone when I need a friend. THEREFORE I am taking the advice I have been given and will be spending the next three days as 'me' days. I'm supposed to work (cause I have to) and spend the rest of my time relaxing and doing things to take care of myself. Hopefully, that helps and I'll find myself moving again instead of feeling like I'm swimming in molasses. I'll let you know how it goes.

Chalk up another week

Sunday, March 08, 2009

It's been a week of all kinds of accomplishments! I got some pictures hung up (well, a couple of 'em anyway), finally finished the shawl I've been working on since SEPTEMBER, got my federal refund and filed the state taxes, picked up a table (a gift from a book club friend), saw Slumdog Millionaire, reupped my Knitters Guild membership, and organized my filing system again (it had been in disarray since the move). Now that I've patted myself on the back a bit... I still have to find time to get my license changed back to Fitzwater, get the light bulbs changed in my bedroom (high ass ceilings) and continue trying to get some furniture in this place. I'm leaning toward getting a couch first since I have a table now (without chairs to go around it). Got to go have sushi at Drunken Fish with Chiquita from work which was all kinds of fun and gave both of us a chance to vent and enjoy some girl talk. Also hung out with Monica a couple times which is such a gift these days. I think there are so many holidays that celebrate family we don't choose, religious holidays, holidays in honor of public figures and holidays that honor the concept of romantic love-where are the days we get to just celebrate the friends who hang in there with us? Something to think about, maybe. Emma should be getting her appointment with another specialist soon (probably at Children's Hospital) and, hopefully, this one will go better than the earlier one. Still pissed at the dumbass doctor in Marion over that. I'm totally loving the weather lately. It's been so gorgeous out. Time to get the Birkenstocks resoled! I must say, also, that I just love Tower Grove Park. It's so close now and it's a great place to sit and read or take a walk when the weather permits. Been reading A Game of Thrones during lunches and between knitting marathons (to finish the shawl) this week and, for fantasy, this is a great book! Huge cast of characters (which reminds me of Dickens) and great development of them as well as beautiful description of the landscape (which reminds me of Tolkien). I hear they're making a movie of it for HBO-if somebody happens to catch it, I'd like to know what you think of it. I'm feeling a bit itchy to start finding some sort of academic pursuit lately. Not sure what that means or what to do with it. The options that come to mind are to start tackling some more ambitious reading, to finally go ahead and get some violin lessons set up or to take that photography class I've been thinking about for ages. (Are the last two really that academic, though?) I'm still sure that not pursuing the Ph.D. is the right choice for now but, I think I need a new challenge in that general realm. And, that is it for the moment. Life is still good and, the rain's stopped and the sun is shining again. Might just get outside and go enjoy that for a while.

A Rant

Suspend disbelief if you will. I'm remaking the world according to
my specifications.

In this new world:

People who punish their children by hitting and/or humiliating them will
face a punishment of equivalent measure. Breaking a child's spirit and/or
destroying their self-confidence will result in your right to parent said child
either being revoked or subject to permanent supervision depending on the
severity of the offense.

Those who attempt to censor or critique literature they have not read will
immediately be required to read all available works by the author in question
AND the collected works of William Faulkner.

It is now a punishable offense to allow children younger than the driving age in
your state to wear clothing that is revealing or inappropriate on anyone other
than Britney Spears. (Whether such clothing is appropriate for Ms. Spears is
another question) Example: A 5 year old child is not permitted to wear midriff-
baring tops and low-riding jeans. And, while I'm at it-the fact that it may or may
not be fashionable is not only not an excuse but will be viewed as further evidence
of the offense.

In addition to the foregoing regulations, all McDonald's Playplaces are hereby to
be closed and destroyed. Signs shall be posted directing children and their parents
to the nearest park, public playground and, in the event of inclement weather, library.

Further review of all businesses directly marketing to children under the age of 10
and using toys to lure them to eat food that is not only unhealthy but also potentially addictive will be pending this declaration as will the marketing of cosmetics to young
girls and military-themed toys and/or toy weapons to young boys.

____________________________________________________________
Okay, enough of the legalese. What I'd really like is a world where compassion is the
guiding principle. One where we let kids be kids for longer than it takes to get them
out of diapers. One where we allow their personal characteristics and traits to determine who they become and not just their gender. One where we let words like 'normal' go
by the wayside and honestly embrace diversity and all that it entails. One where
people actually attempt to put themselves in another person's shoes and consider how
what they are about to say/do might impact the people around them.

Current mood: irritated

Sort of the same old song

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

I actually meant to blog on Sunday and totally forgot. Not that anything much is going on (hence the subject line on this one if you don't count my wicked love of the alliteration going on there). My days and evenings have begun to develop a pattern of late. Nearly every evening is spoken for in one way or another and weekends tend to be filled up cleaning, doing laundry and, about half the time, visiting the family. Went to see Angie and the kids at my aunt's on Saturday and managed to have an enjoyable time. My cousin Travis' daughter is so cute it seems unfair to other babies. I admit, however, that I'm in no small way biased by the fact that she seems to adore me and loves to let me hold her for as long as I'm willing to or until someone else demands a turn. Work's still good and, oddly enough, one of my many supervisors told me she just loves the job I'm doing there. They are, in my opinion, easily impressed but I'm certainly not going to try and disabuse them of such ideas. And, as usual, I'm reading and knitting all the damn time. Ishmael by Daniel Quinn is the book of the moment and I would love it if I could get someone else to read it and tell me what they think. (Monica, you are obviously off the hook) And, speaking of Monica-she's kindly read and not torn to shreds some of my poetry and Wednesdays are now our evening for writing-type endeavors. It's been interesting and is forcing me to work on my confidence in my writing. Not just the act of sharing it (which was a big step for me) but also changing the way I approach it and beginning to see it as more than just an outlet for whatever emotions I can't get rid of any other way. It's a change and definitely a positive one. Can't say enough about positive change these days-plenty of that happening and, hopefully, more to come.

Just a brief update

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Current mood: hopeful So, apparently Emma's got an appointment with another specialist at one of the children's hospitals here (no idea which one at the moment) for Monday. Hopefully, these doctors will know better how to handle a 5 year old. Angie says they've assured her that they'll give Em something to relax her before this test (if they think the test is necessary). So, fingers are crossed that something might actually happen to help them get to the bottom of this thing.

As requested...

Saturday, March 28, 2009

I'll take any and all opinions with just this caveat-don't jump to conclusions about the content. Funhouse The dark void still vast Now suddenly fills with vague familiars, comforting faces with their gleaming razor sharp edges I stumble blindly again and again Offering my veins in exchange for a map back through this funhouse. An exit suggests itself as the jagged lines form, bright against my skin.

The thinks I think

Sunday, March 29, 2009

I have had a week, let me tell you. I spent a large part of it getting smacked again by things that inspired the rant and gave me even more things to add to the edicts that would shape the world were it mine. Despite the fact that I'm working on not getting emotionally invested in things I have no control over and thinking I'm responsible for saving the kids horribly stupid relatives of mine insist on populating the planet with, I found myself sucked in, angry/sad/sickened for several days. Well, if I'm wholly honest, I still am but all I can really do is shake my head and hope for the best. Why certain members of my family even have children is a question I'd like answered at some point. And, as several of you have already lent their ears to this issue and I like to avoid redundancy.... *leaves it there and moves on to more pleasant topics* This week at work, I apparently came one step closer to being indispensable as my supervisor tells me she had thoughts of getting me a pager so she can reach me wherever I am as I go about my job. I also got asked to start sitting in on three more meetings per month, bringing the total I attend to 5. And, I'm supposed to keep notes at at least one of them so the boss doesn't have to attend. June, however, is closer all the time with not a hint of how the budget's going to shake out. I just keep saving away and hope for the best. Finished Ishmael this week (please, someone else read it and talk about it with me!) and the third of the Twilight series. That series definitely improved in my opinion with that book. One chapter, in particular, was very well written and almost enough to make me recommend them (close but no cigar). Still don't think they're good, thematically, for teenage girls. As if they need another example telling them they need a male hero to save them from themselves? This weather is pissing me off. One day it's gorgeous, the next it's snowing. I want spring... I went to see Javier Mendoza with Wendy from book club Friday. If you haven't heard his music, I really suggest checking him out. He performs at a lot of small venues around here and that marked the second time I've caught him for free. Went shopping finally and got some new work clothes that fit. Spent too much but I do keep clothes an absurdly long time. Oh, and I tied up some loose ends on Saturday. So relieved to have gotten at least one toxic person out of my life. That's about it for now. Stay tuned for an update on Emma's doctor visit if you're interested.

Emma

Monday, March 30, 2009

So, Emma had her appointment at Children's today. I ran over there for a bit before it and we got to play in the waiting room and, after, she, Mom and Angie came by my office and got to meet some of my coworkers. (They all immediately acknowledged how beautiful and sweet Emma is, of course.) Despite the fact that she cried all through the appointment, she was in good spirits afterward and they didn't have to do the catheterization again like we thought. Apparently Emma's bladder hasn't been emptying all the way and that's why she keeps getting the infections. So, she has to take a couple meds from now on and she's not allowed any caffeine. It's such a relief to know she's not going to need any type of surgery for this. She was even doing her little Emma dance before they left to have lunch which made me smile, anyway.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009 I've been remiss in my blogging of late. And, mostly that's cause not much seems to be going on. But, to make it up, I'm going to put two blogs on today. I had a very busy weekend. Went out with Patrick again which was fun. We went to King and I and then to Mokabe's for coffee. He's a nice guy, very smart but really shy (don't ask). But, the highlight of the weekend had to be Solange's birthday party. Getting together at Syberg's for drinks and karaoke was so much fun! I paid for it the next day, of course, but it was totally worth it. She put together a great group of people to celebrate with. Finally finished that shawl I was working on and gave it to my boss on Monday. She loved it and didn't even notice the mistakes (which I thought were horribly obvious). I made the decision to go ahead and work on cutting meat out of my diet. I've tossed going to vegetarianism around for a while but never could commit to it. I decided to approach it by stopping eating red meat first. One week in, and I'm not finding it overly difficult but we'll see what happens over time. I think getting to know some more recipes will be helpful. Also, Daisy went into heat this week so, my sleep has been next to nothing because she howls all night. I know I should've gotten her spayed sooner but, given her size I kind of thought I had a little longer. So, given how tired I am I may just go to bed now.

Emma-isms

Monday, April 13, 2009

Call them belated Easter/Passover/Ostara/whatever gifts. And, if you heard these already, sorry. #1-Amy: (After being leaned on by Emma in a somewhat annoying way) Get off me! Emma: Oh, I'll get off you all right! #2-Mom and Emma are discussing who in our family will have a baby next. Emma: Amy will. (Comes out and actually points at Amy) Yeah, it'll be Amy cause she's the one that's married. Amy and Mom: You think so? Emma: Yeah. She just got married. (Walks over to my chair and pats me on the arm) You'll prolly have to 'dopt. #3-Amy kicks or nudges her dog, Maverick with her foot. So, Emma walks right over and kicks her back. Amy: Don't kick me! That hurts! Emma: I wanted to kick her so she'd see what it feels like. My niece is awesome-just in case there was any doubt.

One more

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Daybreak My stone-bruised knees protest as I stand in the sun considering the dirt veined, scarred hands before me. Mine. The broken nails that scrabbled through shadows, the damp decayed leaves. Mine. They rise to my face. I look, smile. Mine-to do what I will.

Work=weird

Thursday, April 16, 2009

So, yesterday, my supervisor calls me into her office and says that she's noticed that I haven't taken any days off and that she figures this is because I'm paid by the hour. I'm a little confused by this topic-of course I'm not taking time off if I don't have to. I refrained from pointing out that, in fact, I had taken a couple 'me' days that were ostensibly sick days and let her go on. She then tells me that she'd like me to rearrange my hours in an upcoming week so that I don't lose any time but can take a day off. I do, at this point, tell her that I've taken some sick days and then watch her shake her head as if to say that sick days don't count. So, to avoid stressing her any further, I've agreed to take a three day weekend next week. This is probably the weirdest thing that I've been asked to do at a workplace. Well, aside from dressing up like a clown and making balloon animals at Burger King.

Green

April 18, 2009

Green

There are green sparks in your eyes as you wait for my answer.
The regretful 'no, sweetheart' does not diminish them
as your intensity holds.

My Emma, that green in them
is like the newly budding birch that I sit under later thinking
that I will bring you here
when I explain
that my truest worship is no more elaborate than this:
to close my eyes and breathe in and out
and let flow silent thanks
for all that is good and beautiful on earth.

The list is long and you are high upon it.

Too tired to be anything but random

Tuesday, April 28, 2009


Last week, I said I wanted to spend more time writing. Guess how much I've accomplished. That's right, not a damn thing! I did, however, start a sweater I've been daydreaming about trying for almost a year. The gift I'm working on for my cousin Holly's baby is getting mediocre attention since I cast on for the sweater but, I suppose I have time to finish it before the baby's born.

This month's book club read is The Reader and I sped through the last hundred pages or so of it today. Excellent, very profound novel about the Holocaust and one German's attempt to come to terms with it. Seriously-read it.

I find it odd that I just ordered you all to read The Reader.

Spent a fun day at the zoo with the family last Saturday despite the heat and the kids' sugar highs.

They fired one of the inspectors at work today, making all the supervisors stalk around in an ominous fashion right up until the zero hour. Chiquita (who has the office next to mine) and I were given strange assignments that had us far away when it happened although we certainly gossiped enough while gone about what was happening and coming to the conclusion that someone was definitely getting the axe.

I feel sushi-deficient.

And, movie-deficient. If rent weren't due this week, I could satisfy both of those longings on Friday. It'd be nice if someone wanted to go with. If that was the case, I might be convinced to go anyway.

I watched the first season of Roseanne last week (via a library dvd) and realized that the show, while funny, was also strangely depressing. No wonder they jumped the shark in the last season or so with the lottery win.

Mother's Day is right around the corner and I have no idea what we're doing although I did suggest to Amy and Angie that we take Mom out for a girls' day.

If I go to the One Hour LOTR on Friday, that might calm my movie deficiency.

Also, I want to go to a concert sometime soon but have no idea if anyone worth seeing is coming to town anytime in the not-too-distant future.That's it for now-think I'll take a bath and go to bed.

Two, this time

Monday, May 04, 2009


The same caveat as with the others applies here.


Wish
All I want is what feels like home to me
Comfort in silence
The sun in the morning through an east-facing window
To begin each day in the arms of one who asks nothing more
than that I be me, completely.
To witness the wheel of the year
turning around us as, by holding each other,
we form a circle within its motion.


Sunday Dinner
Relative mine (though you don't deserve it),
I'll kindly leave you nameless.

Given my way, I would disinvite you from my life.
"Sorry," I'd say, "We have no room for your kind."
But I get no say in the guest list for my life
Instead, I get to sit
across from you at family Sunday dinners and
watch you across the formica table.

You, with your heaping plate of food and
an imagined or real gleam in your eyes.

I would stab at you
but all I have is my plastic spoon and, anyway,
were I to try,
your protectors/victims would surround me and beg
for peace and forgiveness.
Pleading for your absolution as you
unapologetically finish your pecan pie.

Work=even weirder (but in a good way)

Thursday, April 30, 2009

So, I know I didn't blog about this before but, my status on here and facebook pretty much made it clear that I'm getting hired at Wash. U. No more temp status for me! And, originally, the plan was for me to change over from the temp. agency to the university on the first of July with the new fiscal year. That plan suddenly changed today when my supervisor called me into her office about 10 minutes before the end of the day. I absolutely hate it when she does that, especially when she asks me to close the door. It makes me so nervous. And, I know she knows it, at least a little bit. Anyway, she informed me that she had just gotten off the phone with the agency and told them that she'd offered me a permanent position and that they wanted it to start on May 15th! So, that means I get my raise a month and a half earlier, get to start getting the benefits earlier, etc. Setting aside some of my nagging doubts about what they do in terms of research practices, being able to really, truly take care of myself means so much to me and this is the first time I can say that I'm going to be able to do that. It also means that I'm going to be able to make some of the other things I've been dreaming about happen. More on that another time, though.

On another note, I've noticed lots of people moving their blogs lately and, looking at that as a possibility, I may be following suit soon. I'd like a blog that's easier to post pictures to and that might be easily linked to my Ravelry/facebook profiles so that I can communicate with friends I have on those sites that aren't on here. It'd be nice, too, to have my thoughts on knitting, notes on projects, poetry and whatever you want to label my more rambling blogs in one place.

Ruminations and a request

5/14/09
So, I am officially hired at Wash. U. now! I'm not a temp! I'll have benefits very soon! It's awesome and I've got to pat myself on the back cause I've worked my ass off to make it happen. It's true, though, that my hours are going down a bit to the 80% level but, the benefits and the raise make things even out. Timewise, I may be able to take on something very part-time in the evenings. But, I am going to be helping out my friend with her stand at the Tower Grove Farmer's Market on Saturdays and there'll be a little extra money in that so I may not have to look further than that. We'll see-I want to cut back on how much I'm driving and start working out when I can since I'll have access to the campus gyms now.

Still not done with Holly's baby gift-I'm going to have to do some hard core knitting on it to get it finished soon.

Everyone needs to go read Rick Riordan's Olympians series right away. It's awesome. Nearly HP good but not quite.

Now, I do (as the title indicates) have a request but I'll give you an Emma-ism as an advance.Emma's terribly allergic (or maybe susceptible is the right word) to poison ivy. The poor thing gets it if it's even been burned and is in the air. She's got it bad at the moment, even around her eyes and everything. So, Angie and Amy were talking about how bad it was and how Em was suffering with it within earshot of her. She, smartass in training that she is, comes back with, "Well, I'd rather have poison ivy than be dead!" I know I'm awfully biased but she is such a smart kid and she speaks her mind like nobody's business. I hope she never loses that. So many girls grow up to think they're always supposed to be nice and agreeable and put themselves last. If she doesn't fall into that trap, it's going to be awesome to watch.So, on to the request. I'm trying to choose some of my poems to submit for publication. I want to pick three and, honestly, I think some of the ones on here are the best candidates. If you guys could help me by recommending which ones you think are good for that, I'd really appreciate it.

That's it for now-I'm going to hit the hay early so that I can stay up tomorrow night and go out with Monica.