Saturday, March 26, 2011


To put it bluntly, I'm not having the best time lately. I'm just not feeling like me and it really sucks. I don't recall feeling this lost before. There are lots of things that I guess I could say but don't feel very good about putting out there. Positive thoughts and energy would be helpful.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

3.16.2011 (pt. 2)

For My Newphew's First Birthday

It's true that the world is small.
Filled with people who connect in odd ways
At odd times
It's one of those bewildering truths.
It's true and not true at the same time.

It's true right up to the point in time
When I look in your eyes.

That is to say when I'm holding you and I fall into them and the world magnifies, I realize--

I had things reversed.

You humble me.


Last night was awesome wrapped up in giggling and goofiness. It was followed by a super-anxiety inducing dream. *Big sigh* I really needed that, right? I'm working hard again, thinking of things that need attention and areas that need growth. Work still sucks but I have scored a three day week and have a much needed visit with Stina to look forward to. But, because I'm feeling off and trying to refocus on expending more energy on what I need rather than trying to fix others' issues, here's a brief list. Anyone want to help me find some of this stuff?

I need more that feeds my soul
Glee (in all the current usages it exists in)
Words that flow like the water at Zoe
Less thorn studded walls
Creative outlets
A good long hike/a picnic
Love (the unconditional kind would be nice)

All of the above without agenda or "shoulds" attached to them.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011


Look at that, two posts in two days! Probably shouldn't get used to it.

I was so down yesterday and last night that even grabbing food with Chi didn't pick me up much. Then, listening to some cds on healthy boundaries and relationships just made me feel worse. Oh, and I fell in the tub, bruising myself nicely. Some bruises (like jeerleading obtained ones) are just better than others.

But, I woke up this morning feeling unaccountably better after having a dream that featured my grandma. Can't really remember the details, just that she was the reassuring, calming, presence she was in life in the dream. It was nice. Here's hoping this is a sign that my days will start getting better.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011


Be warned that this post is fairly Pagany/New Age-y.

Reiki. Google it, please, if you're not familiar. A friend of mine practices it and she and I have talked about it over the last couple months. What's been happening, after a couple of emotional conversations in that time, is that I've felt, afterward, as if my throat was just closed, to the point that it was difficult to swallow at points. The feeling passes with time but, having had the experience twice, I'm pretty damn sure that she's right in saying it seems like my throat chakra is blocked somehow. Each time, she's asked what I'm not communicating that I need to or what's keeping me from saying what I need to say. My response could be a list, if I put everything out there. And, yet, I'm saying more (particularly at the times in question) than I normally would. I'm not sure if I'm not communicating things well or if the point I'm trying to make isn't being understood or if some of the things that I can recognize I'm holding back need said more than I think they do. I'm frustrated even more by the possibility that the solution is to be completely open and risk some fairly huge losses. After losing so much in the last six months? The thought is exhausting.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011


It feels like spring out today. Not a super warm spring but the feeling is in the air, finally. My thoughts are pretty scattered, not surprisingly.

1) Friday, I head down home to spend the night at Amy's before Parker's birthday party on Saturday. Much as I love the munchkins, I'm really just eager to get it over with and deal with the fallout waiting for me.
2) Queer Book Club, my new project, is developing well. It's been more rewarding to plan for that and the upcoming meetings than almost anything else going on lately.
3) I miss C. Still.
4) I keep looking at this new tattoo. Really pleased with it.
5) I have too many thoughts in my head lately about what I am and am not. About what will work and make me happy and what won't. I had clearer ideas about all of that at 17 than I do now.
6) Today is one of those days where it feels like being at the wrong job is a big energy suck. And, I sort of wonder if finding something more satisfying wouldn't help me think more clearly about some of these other questions.

Mostly, especially since I read an article about girls and their attitudes about challenging themselves, I find myself thinking about the person I wanted to be and the things I loved as a child. It just seems like we girls weren't taught that we had the ability to succeed at *anything* we could want to do but that we were supposed to have inborn abilities that determined who we could become. So much came easily for me, academically, that I didn't have to push myself and, frankly, trying something and failing wasn't worth it when remaining in the neat box laid out for me was so much easier. Except that, now, I wonder what I cast aside that I could be doing.