Day 160

Does anyone else ever have days where you feel like you want to say something and you have no idea how?

One of the things about hitting a plateau, emotionally and personally, is that you can feel both stuck and bewildered by the potential directions you could take. Think about it: You have this expanse of possibility in front of you with few things blocking the path but a lot of it looks the same and none of it seems to have any clear advantage over any other direction. And, at the same time, you don't feel like you're progressing or growing much. I've been going through days where I feel like I should withdraw from everything again and I can't seem to make myself do it. That's mostly because the flashes of joy I get lately are coming from *being* with other people and not from being alone. Right now, being alone sucks and it used to be a way for me to reconnect with me, to feel more centered. Something has changed again and I don't know if that's what's driving this recent upswing in bitching I've been experiencing or if it's just a sign that I'm not listening to me enough or doing what worked in the past until it starts working again.

Obviously I'm excited about PSG and getting all that together is still taking a lot of my focus. 12 more days until I leave for that and I still need something to sleep on and a few other supply items (not even getting into food). That makes me happy lately, thinking about that. That, some conversations I've been lucky enough to get to have with Emma recently, and joining up with the ARRG Jeerleaders (oh so much more on that another day) are the small bright spots in a time when I just feel out of step with so much else in life.