I've not really blogged in what feels like a long time now. Mostly, it's because everything feels so jumbled lately. There is the persistent family issue, feeling rejected for the simple act of being who I am, for acting according to what seems right to me. Being out as a bisexual was not initially a 'decision' with my mother but the result of answering the phone at a bad time, while melting down over heartbreak. That was over two years ago. From then until a few months ago, I kept my silence, thinking it was better to keep the peace and hide parts of myself from the people I'm tied to by blood. Then, an inadvertent slip on Facebook made me realize that I couldn't keep hiding. I was tired of monitoring everything in an attempt to avoid controversy only to have a hammer slammed down on me when I slipped up or something out of control revealed the truths they didn't want to hear. That was sometime in June. I sat my mother down and explained to her that, like it or not, it was time that she accept me as I am, love me for the real me and that I felt an apology for some of the labels she was pasting on me was in order. I realize that some of this is redundant for some reading this and new to others. Forgive me for repetitiveness. To jump up to more recent events, my sister and my mother have been working hard to bring me 'back in line' through a lot of emails and efforts to get other family members to cut me out of their lives. It's been hard. I miss Alex, Emma and Parker a lot. Luckily, I got to see Parker for a bit when I drove down for a birthday lunch with Amy and Kevin had Alex and Emma call me while Angie was out on the actual day.
Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, possibly my favorite day of the year. It's always been a less stressful day and, to me, more about sharing time with those we love than gifts or religion or anything that divides people. Yesterday, I was with the people who have provided me more support and love in all this mess than I know what to do with some days. Lately, being treated with the kindness and understanding they give me makes me tear up (happy tears). I continue to try and focus on that, on what makes me smile. Like I said, there are days when it's difficult. At one point yesterday, I stood and watched the snow fall and wondered what the munchkins were doing. But, I remain thankful. It was a good day and I felt surrounded by love and light for much of it. I have to bastardize the video campaign promoted by Dan Savage and just keep telling myself that it will get better.