Day 137

Ugh. Just ugh. I'm right on the edge of my stress threshold after this week and the usual suspect is at the bottom of it. And, I feel like I've both talked the topic to death and gotten what is the most sensible, caring advice from people who genuinely know what they're talking about. So, why do I still feel so torn? Why is it so godsdamn difficult to just make a clean break?

My best friend all through school had what I could only describe as a childhood right out of a very melodramatic tv movie. If I hadn't been there and seen a lot of it happen, that is. Her parents-man, they were some winners. Passing her back and forth after their divorce as they fought each other through her affection, letting her watch new lovers abuse them, doing crazy shit like holding the other parent at gunpoint. And, I always held whatever was happening in my home up against what they were doing to her and kind of said, "It could be *so* much worse." That's the biggest roadblock to recognizing a different form of victimization or abuse than the overt, more physical or even easily labeled varieties of emotional abuse. I mean, very few people (aside from this friend's mother) would justify having sex with someone in a car while your 12 year old is in the back seat trying to cover her eyes and ears. It's a bit more difficult to draw out and label the more subtle forms these things can take especially when you've watched someone grow up dealing with stuff like that.

Realizing that people can live through so much worse than I've had to face makes trying to fight for respect and the right to live my life free from condemnation and what feels more and more like harassment seem petty and childish sometimes. Yet I've reached a point where I feel so cornered by all of this that I see no other, reasonable course of action. So, no, I don't like making these decisions and I don't relish the idea of letting the 'inner bitch' go to work and doing what seems necessary to establish a lasting autonomy. And, my short-lived attempts to do this very thing in the past make me feel like I'm never going to succeed for that very reason. I don't *want* fights and disagreements and turmoil and drama. I don't *want* to have to avoid phone calls and messages. And, I really hope that doing these things won't result in the things I fear. But, I recognize that I haven't sought or initiated this drama and that I've done nothing to deserve the continued craziness being thrown at me. So... I'm trying to let go. I'm trying to step back from the insanity that still feels like normalcy after so many years of it. I'm reluctant to use these tools and I'm not very good at it but, I feel that there has to eventually come a point when you just have to either lie down forever or put an end to something that's killing you slowly once and for all.

Perhaps I won't be able to do this with confidence or without doubt. Perhaps? Okay, fine, I am probably going to keep having to tell myself I'm not the bad guy in this for a long time if things aren't resolved the way I need them to be fairly quickly. But, I'm tired of espousing certain ideals to others and not getting to see them realized in my own life. I only get once around, here. So far, it's been tough and cold, living in this world, more than it's been the happy-making thing it should be. I am tired. I'm going to try and find a new game to play while the larger pieces of my heart are still unshattered.