Monday, August 30, 2010

Day 235

When I was a kid, my mom and I used to argue periodically about whether a person can feel more than one thing at a time and/or have more than one motivation. She, somewhat simply, refused to acknowledge that this was at all possible. One motivation, one emotion, one way of viewing actions and thoughts. I still want to win that argument because, these days, I'm feeling about 5 things at once sometimes. Happy that good things are happening for friends, jealous that they're not happening for me, scared that they never will, disgusted and frustrated with my inability to simply feel pure, unselfish gladness and gratitude for what *is* good, sad that I'm just not getting out of this job that I feel more and more guilty for doing... I want a pensieve now. Each of these emotions jostles the others aside at times and makes for even more of a mess when I try to explain them to someone only to be met with disbelief because, I suppose, they've picked up on one of the other contenders for emotion of the moment. *sighs* I'm 33. Somehow, the fact that everything is still this complicated makes me long for a way to turn the clock back just a year or two so that I can process this at more leisure.

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