Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Day 285

I got married 14 years ago today. Maybe someday October 19th will just be another day and I won't find myself occupied by the two thoughts that have kept recurring all day long. Thought 1: I know that I both did the best thing for me in ending my marriage and that it was a decision that I made under pressure and not in the way I would have liked to have made it. I regret that I couldn't find a way to end things calmly and honorably after the years I spent with Alan. But, I'm not fond of hanging on to what's gone and I value my ability to look ahead. Things ended. My life is different now and, in many, many, ways I have a far richer life now than I believed possible before November 2007. I'm happier now and more at peace more of the time. And yet, thought 2: I feel like I contribute very little to the world around me. I enjoy my life and I recognize what I've done in pulling myself back up out of the hole I lived in for a very long time. But I still wish that I were able to see something more than just the passage of time being accomplished as days, weeks and months pass. Failing in the attempt to help a friend who needs it recently-I'm still just disappointed in myself and my lack of patience. I think it disappeared at some point near the end of my marriage. Even though I care deeply about people, I have so much less tolerance and just plain patience than I used to have and I feel very badly about that lack in my character.

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