It's reached the point where I just don't have it in me to go over the crap going on with my family again. I fluctuate from disgusted to weepy to frozen inside in no time at all. I've been spending a lot of time with friends, haven't been staying at the apartment much. I wouldn't say that I'm not enjoying my holiday, though. The break, the chance to heal somewhat, is a good thing and there's a lot of positive energy and love around me.
I'm still here and I wish everyone a beautiful holiday, however you choose to celebrate it.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Day 340
I want to recap the whole mess that has been the last almost-week but it feels cruel to inflict that on those of you who read this. And, of course, some of you have been around for the day-to-day drama of the whole thing. But, to fill the rest of you in briefly...
Thursday: I started off exchanging texts with Amy about the family plans for xmas only to be brought up short by the suggestion that I talk to Angie about spending the 25th at her house with all of them (Mom, Kevin, Amy & her group as well as Angie & co.). At first, I debated the idea of asking permission to be at the family thing with Amy. Then, I resorted to repeating, to Angie, what I'd said to her right before the munchkins' birthdays--that I was planning to be there, that I was still planning to be civil with my mom, etc. I'm sure that it would've been better if I'd been able to call her but, being at work, I sent her a text. Didn't hear back from her but did get a phone call from my mother and a voicemail asking me to explain to all of them *why* they should let me be with them since I "don't believe in god, don't believe in xmas and don't want to be around them any other time." After that, I just started falling into the whole family drama cycle and went home from work. Tried calling both Angie and Amy to talk about the whole thing but got voicemail and left Angie a message. That got me a response from Angie, finally. I'll spare those of you who haven't heard it already. But, to relay the gist of it, she didn't want to speak with me as she was pissed that I'd assumed (rather than ask permission) I could be at her house on xmas day and that she didn't want me to be there and that she'd shared with the kids what had been going on. No idea what that means, exactly. Maybe she's passing on to them just how sin-filled my life is or that I've been terribly mean to their Mem or that I've been brain-washed and am not fit to be near them anymore... I am allowed to be at the extended family gathering at my aunt's, though.
Friday: I took off work and stayed home. It was not my favorite day.
From then to now, I've been going back and forth between questioning whether I have, finally, done the worst thing possible for the kids and put myself above them, selfishly to feeling like I've done all of this for a good reason and that my 'family' is just being shitty and cruel to just plain crying my eyes out over the whole mess. Numbness, as recommended by a friend, hasn't set in. When I think about the fact that the munchkins are being actively turned against me... Well, I try not to think too much about that. I can't say that I'm totally broken down, thankfully, which is good. Several of my friends have been keeping me from shutting myself off from things and almost everyone I know has stepped up with an offer of hospitality for the holiday. It still makes me tear up, thinking about all the kindness that my friends have shown me in this. I have to, in particular, say that J.C. and Ella have been awesome at getting me out of the house and making me laugh. (Is it weird that I feel guilty for laughing?) Brandie nudging me to go to at least some of the jeerleader holiday party, C saying she wanted to scoop me up and take me to GA with her and to smack my sister's head into the wall, all the invites to spend xmas with people at their family gatherings... I just don't know *how* to offer thanks enough except to say, again, that I love all of you.
Yesterday was interesting as I sort of felt some numbness soaking in. It seemed to make the day go by faster and I barely felt it when a couple people asked me about what I was doing for the holidays. However, I owe the fact that I feel much more human today to a wonderful talk with C that made me feel both silly for not turning to her right away in all this and so supported and cared about. I held back some of the things that felt uglier in the beginning of this mess, feeling so damaged/tainted somehow by being the woman whose family could behave like this. Then, I also talked with my father (Doc) about things. As closely connected as it seems everyone in Southern MO is, I started thinking it was time to come out with him, as well, so that he didn't hear it from one of my aunts or someone else that my mother vented to. His reaction took me completely off guard. I must have gotten some degree of my tolerance from him and his family. Doc: "I figured you were going to say you were just an outright lesbian. Did I say that right? That'd be okay, too, just so you know!" *sighs* I'm 34 years old and I don't think I'll ever stop being surprised at humanity.
Thursday: I started off exchanging texts with Amy about the family plans for xmas only to be brought up short by the suggestion that I talk to Angie about spending the 25th at her house with all of them (Mom, Kevin, Amy & her group as well as Angie & co.). At first, I debated the idea of asking permission to be at the family thing with Amy. Then, I resorted to repeating, to Angie, what I'd said to her right before the munchkins' birthdays--that I was planning to be there, that I was still planning to be civil with my mom, etc. I'm sure that it would've been better if I'd been able to call her but, being at work, I sent her a text. Didn't hear back from her but did get a phone call from my mother and a voicemail asking me to explain to all of them *why* they should let me be with them since I "don't believe in god, don't believe in xmas and don't want to be around them any other time." After that, I just started falling into the whole family drama cycle and went home from work. Tried calling both Angie and Amy to talk about the whole thing but got voicemail and left Angie a message. That got me a response from Angie, finally. I'll spare those of you who haven't heard it already. But, to relay the gist of it, she didn't want to speak with me as she was pissed that I'd assumed (rather than ask permission) I could be at her house on xmas day and that she didn't want me to be there and that she'd shared with the kids what had been going on. No idea what that means, exactly. Maybe she's passing on to them just how sin-filled my life is or that I've been terribly mean to their Mem or that I've been brain-washed and am not fit to be near them anymore... I am allowed to be at the extended family gathering at my aunt's, though.
Friday: I took off work and stayed home. It was not my favorite day.
From then to now, I've been going back and forth between questioning whether I have, finally, done the worst thing possible for the kids and put myself above them, selfishly to feeling like I've done all of this for a good reason and that my 'family' is just being shitty and cruel to just plain crying my eyes out over the whole mess. Numbness, as recommended by a friend, hasn't set in. When I think about the fact that the munchkins are being actively turned against me... Well, I try not to think too much about that. I can't say that I'm totally broken down, thankfully, which is good. Several of my friends have been keeping me from shutting myself off from things and almost everyone I know has stepped up with an offer of hospitality for the holiday. It still makes me tear up, thinking about all the kindness that my friends have shown me in this. I have to, in particular, say that J.C. and Ella have been awesome at getting me out of the house and making me laugh. (Is it weird that I feel guilty for laughing?) Brandie nudging me to go to at least some of the jeerleader holiday party, C saying she wanted to scoop me up and take me to GA with her and to smack my sister's head into the wall, all the invites to spend xmas with people at their family gatherings... I just don't know *how* to offer thanks enough except to say, again, that I love all of you.
Yesterday was interesting as I sort of felt some numbness soaking in. It seemed to make the day go by faster and I barely felt it when a couple people asked me about what I was doing for the holidays. However, I owe the fact that I feel much more human today to a wonderful talk with C that made me feel both silly for not turning to her right away in all this and so supported and cared about. I held back some of the things that felt uglier in the beginning of this mess, feeling so damaged/tainted somehow by being the woman whose family could behave like this. Then, I also talked with my father (Doc) about things. As closely connected as it seems everyone in Southern MO is, I started thinking it was time to come out with him, as well, so that he didn't hear it from one of my aunts or someone else that my mother vented to. His reaction took me completely off guard. I must have gotten some degree of my tolerance from him and his family. Doc: "I figured you were going to say you were just an outright lesbian. Did I say that right? That'd be okay, too, just so you know!" *sighs* I'm 34 years old and I don't think I'll ever stop being surprised at humanity.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Day 334
Last night was the BASL discussion meeting. Nothing is better than spending an evening with a group of people with whom you don't have to 'hide the weird.' I somehow ended up being the facilitator of the discussion so I threw some Glee talk in for good measure. Lots of giggling over the idea of stealing Baby Jesuses (Jesi?) from nativity scenes to test their GPS capability. It's an awesome group. I hope I didn't *really* run the newbie who joined us last night off...
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Day 333
Recent dreams: One in which I was on a cruise with assorted people from my life, including my sister, J.C. and some coworkers. While on said cruise two other cruise ships blew up and I rescued a little boy from one only to realize he was my son. Then, I lost him in the confusion on *our* ship and fell overboard while my sister watched and did nothing.
Dream 2 has faded except for the part in which my sister shot me in the chest six times while I tried to hide in a public restroom.
And yet, I still summoned up the nerve to ask what the family xmas was going to involve this year. Waiting for a response on that text. Still planning to shop for them the same way, regardless. I just need to know whether to ship the gifts I buy or whether I'll get to deliver them in person.
Dream 2 has faded except for the part in which my sister shot me in the chest six times while I tried to hide in a public restroom.
And yet, I still summoned up the nerve to ask what the family xmas was going to involve this year. Waiting for a response on that text. Still planning to shop for them the same way, regardless. I just need to know whether to ship the gifts I buy or whether I'll get to deliver them in person.
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