Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Day 340

I want to recap the whole mess that has been the last almost-week but it feels cruel to inflict that on those of you who read this. And, of course, some of you have been around for the day-to-day drama of the whole thing. But, to fill the rest of you in briefly...

Thursday: I started off exchanging texts with Amy about the family plans for xmas only to be brought up short by the suggestion that I talk to Angie about spending the 25th at her house with all of them (Mom, Kevin, Amy & her group as well as Angie & co.). At first, I debated the idea of asking permission to be at the family thing with Amy. Then, I resorted to repeating, to Angie, what I'd said to her right before the munchkins' birthdays--that I was planning to be there, that I was still planning to be civil with my mom, etc. I'm sure that it would've been better if I'd been able to call her but, being at work, I sent her a text. Didn't hear back from her but did get a phone call from my mother and a voicemail asking me to explain to all of them *why* they should let me be with them since I "don't believe in god, don't believe in xmas and don't want to be around them any other time." After that, I just started falling into the whole family drama cycle and went home from work. Tried calling both Angie and Amy to talk about the whole thing but got voicemail and left Angie a message. That got me a response from Angie, finally. I'll spare those of you who haven't heard it already. But, to relay the gist of it, she didn't want to speak with me as she was pissed that I'd assumed (rather than ask permission) I could be at her house on xmas day and that she didn't want me to be there and that she'd shared with the kids what had been going on. No idea what that means, exactly. Maybe she's passing on to them just how sin-filled my life is or that I've been terribly mean to their Mem or that I've been brain-washed and am not fit to be near them anymore... I am allowed to be at the extended family gathering at my aunt's, though.

Friday: I took off work and stayed home. It was not my favorite day.

From then to now, I've been going back and forth between questioning whether I have, finally, done the worst thing possible for the kids and put myself above them, selfishly to feeling like I've done all of this for a good reason and that my 'family' is just being shitty and cruel to just plain crying my eyes out over the whole mess. Numbness, as recommended by a friend, hasn't set in. When I think about the fact that the munchkins are being actively turned against me... Well, I try not to think too much about that. I can't say that I'm totally broken down, thankfully, which is good. Several of my friends have been keeping me from shutting myself off from things and almost everyone I know has stepped up with an offer of hospitality for the holiday. It still makes me tear up, thinking about all the kindness that my friends have shown me in this. I have to, in particular, say that J.C. and Ella have been awesome at getting me out of the house and making me laugh. (Is it weird that I feel guilty for laughing?) Brandie nudging me to go to at least some of the jeerleader holiday party, C saying she wanted to scoop me up and take me to GA with her and to smack my sister's head into the wall, all the invites to spend xmas with people at their family gatherings... I just don't know *how* to offer thanks enough except to say, again, that I love all of you.

Yesterday was interesting as I sort of felt some numbness soaking in. It seemed to make the day go by faster and I barely felt it when a couple people asked me about what I was doing for the holidays. However, I owe the fact that I feel much more human today to a wonderful talk with C that made me feel both silly for not turning to her right away in all this and so supported and cared about. I held back some of the things that felt uglier in the beginning of this mess, feeling so damaged/tainted somehow by being the woman whose family could behave like this. Then, I also talked with my father (Doc) about things. As closely connected as it seems everyone in Southern MO is, I started thinking it was time to come out with him, as well, so that he didn't hear it from one of my aunts or someone else that my mother vented to. His reaction took me completely off guard. I must have gotten some degree of my tolerance from him and his family. Doc: "I figured you were going to say you were just an outright lesbian. Did I say that right? That'd be okay, too, just so you know!" *sighs* I'm 34 years old and I don't think I'll ever stop being surprised at humanity.


  1. GO DAD! This is why Dad's rock.

  2. Your dad is awesome. And it appears your sister needs to learn the "You can't go by a text because you can't hear tone of voice or see facial expressions!" lesson. Now, if they believe in the true spirit of Christmas, and not the consumer spirit of Christmas, then none of this would have been a problem. It's the time for all of our loved ones to come together in love and family and unity, and to put things behind you, if even for the day. Jesus would be ashamed of them for turning their backs on you on the one day of the year when all should be coming together in his name. Hypocrites.

  3. This is a comment done far in retrospect, while I'm still getting to know you. But, it's important for you to recognize that the munchkins, however much you love them, are not a good reason for you to distort yourself beyond recognition. It is exactly the same error as sustaining a bad marriage "for the sake of the kids," and for the same reasons. You wouldn't even be doing _them_ a favor by sustaining a facade that only partially covers conflict. I have no doubt that, being on the scene full-time, they know much more about their mothers and grandma than they feel is their place to say to you now. Being true to yourself now makes you healthy to be there for them in the future.

    Also, do keep firmly in sight that your separation from them isn't your fault. As to the things your family finds objectionable, you're the same person that you were two years ago. In this time, you haven't "corrupted" the kids. Only their parents' attempt at censorship is new.