Sunday, July 3, 2011


Last night, I went to a play with Lori. Danny and the Deep Blue Sea. Two very damaged people meet at a bar and go home together, engage in creating a beautiful fantasy of what life could be like together, face reality the next morning and struggle with trying to allow themselves the happiness they could potentially have amidst all their fuckedupedness. At one point, Danny tells Roberta that he forgives her for the terrible thing she's punishing herself for because no one else has. He GIVES her absolution for something that, in my thinking, she has no culpability in and she almost can't even accept that. SO much of their dialogue reminded me of some of my internal dialogue in the past. That's what I realized, trying to make sense of how ripped open the play made me feel. In the past. I haven't felt *that* level of self-blame in a while. No, I can't say I never think those things now but they've become rarities rather than the constant background music of my mind. I don't feel as alone and unable to connect as I used to. How and when did that happen?

How is it possible that I can be the person who, yesterday, had to cut more people out of immediate contact with me to protect myself and still feel, today, less like I'm at sea and alone? I can't make sense of it, somehow.

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