Monday, September 6, 2010

Day 242

So, Mia is aggravating me again, leading to internal debate about writing and disclosure and quality of writing. And, yes, I realize the insanity that could be deduced from that sentence. But, I've been told by other creative types (aspirant (as opposed to being fully deserving of it) to the label that I am) that personifying one's muse is fairly common and often helpful. In the interests of getting some of this conflict out, I'm throwing it on here. Basically, the debate goes something like this:

Mia: Nice skirt. You ever going to finish it?
Me: *sighs* It's a cape for Emma. And, yes, it's almost done.
Mia: (leans over my shoulder) It's fucking huge. Kid'll never wear the damn thing. Put it away and write something.
Me: I'm just relaxing. I'll blog later.
Mia: Bitch, you've been saying that for days. That last entry was just sad. That poem? The fucking dentist poem? Subpar. Get off your ass and write. (Looks through journals)
Me: You know I've been thinking a blog post out. But, they've been really negative lately and I'm trying to be a bit more positive and stuff.
Mia: Fuckin' blah blah blah. You're bitchy. Try and hide it all you want-it's gonna show up again soon anyway. Get. off. your. ass. and. write. (Pulls out half-finished story) Look at this shit! You started that 'un in FEBRUARY!
Me: Yeah but it was too revealing. I'd never publish it anyway. And, I decided the narrator was too defensive.
Mia: Fuck publishing! Finish the damn thing! (Kicks me in the shins) At least write a friggin' blog entry so people don't just think you're dead or abandoning writing completely. Write about this weekend or dating or those fuckin' munchkins!
Me: I'm not writing about certain things. I can't get that personal. Who knows who all is reading the blog anymore? Plus...
Mia: Again with that shit? I *know* you get the blog concept. Fuck, even J.C. told you to write about what you were doing and your feelings and all that bullshit. You're still not doing it and you even *agreed* with him! Aw, you're a fuckin' wuss.
Me: FINE. (Puts away knitting and gets laptop)
Mia: (Grins smugly and goes to eat the last of the chips)

So, in order to satisfy the abusive muse who keeps after me...

Things with my mom are still the same. I haven't heard from her and it's actually reducing my stress level greatly. I did have some flashes of guilt last week over being a bad daughter but this last fight was the final straw. There will be no repeats and I'm not caving. Cold? Maybe. Honest? Finally and absolutely. I told her in my last message that she needed to apologize, accept me 100% and adjust her behavior. I blame replaying 'Defying Gravity' over and over but this is much better for me. I've been keeping in touch with Angie and Amy more and that's been good. Might be visiting IL w/Amy near the end of this month. I miss the kids and a weekend away would be good.

On dating? Screw you, Mia, I'm not getting specific. Let's just say it's been very nice and fun. And, given the way things have been changing with some of my friends lately, I'm not sure if I'm entering a new phase here or not. I'm enjoying myself (despite my tendency to want to stomp my feet and throw a minor fit when things change) and working on figuring out exactly how the whole dating 'thing' is supposed to work. *gets jabbed in the neck* Okay, I'm having a good time. And, I'm forcing myself as much as possible not to overthink it and to just ask myself if I'm having fun and happy. Increasingly, that answer is 'yes.'

I have nearly given up on finding a new job. Searches on the net aren't turning anything up and I have little time to look at work now anyway since it seems like someone is *always* in the office, peeking at my computer screen. It's a downer but I'm wondering if I'm not just meant to stay put for a bit in the interests of further moving toward full-fledged adulthood. I want out and I feel increasingly tainted by the job but I feel like I just can't get away to anything else yet.

It's autumn. My favorite time of year. I'm smiling more lately. When you come right down to it, that and my efforts to refocus on more positive things (i.e., driving to work and looking for *anything* to use as a happy thought for the day) are good.

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