Friday, September 24, 2010

Day 260

I'm fairly tired and it's not even ten yet. So, I'm not feeling like putting together a bunch of wisdom in this post. But, I do like to recycle the wisdom where I find, especially when it comes from a musical. So, I'm going to fall back on something from Oklahoma! for this blog rather than just giving a random list. Aunt Eller in that one said, "You have to take the good on one side and and the bad on the other and say, 'All right then to both of ya!' "

Good stuff:
1) I get to leave work a half hour early which means more time in Munchkinland this weekend.
2) I'm starting to take ever larger steps to decluttering my life and the apartment which means that certain things that needed to be moved out and certain strings that needed cut are being taken care of. It's not huge steps but not baby steps either. I need a new term for those kinds of steps in the direction of assertiveness.
3) I finished Emma's cape and I think it's adorable. I just hope it'll fit her and that she likes it.
4) I finally broke down and bought a digital camera. Not so fancy but I like it and I think it'll make putting pics from various happenings in life/knitted objects/the munchkins online much easier.
5) I've been enjoying being more involved with BASL lately. As an organization, it's a really positive one and I think that there's a lot of potential building there.
6) Sort of connected to #5-It seems that I've both been more social (or maybe just social with different people or different groups of people)lately and finding more time to be home and to pursue some interests I had been neglecting. So, more reading is getting done as well as more knitting. I'd let feeding those interests fall by the wayside over the last few months and it's good to reconnect with those aspects of myself.

Really there's not much to list under this heading, just a few small things here and there mainly. I've had some days recently when I wished I could discuss things with Rachel but I've done okay. Not great-I can't claim that because one day in particular was really tough. And it left me wondering just what it is about friendships and relationships that is so damn difficult sometimes. And, what's so tough about communication and honesty? I know that we all have our fears and, I'm certainly not the person to claim title for best at either thing. I have to own up to having been blatantly dishonest with a very good friend on one occasion in particular out of fear over the reaction honesty might have gotten me. But, with that exception, I try to be honest as I can be. Well, okay, I do get a certain kick out of being cryptic. But I don't like secrets, being deceived or being mocked behind my back. And, the past few days seems to have been hitting on all of them, in one way or another and to one degree or another. Well, some of the above were lessened after conversation. But, some of it wasn't. And all of it has left a bad taste in my mouth and has me wondering just who I can trust completely anymore.

Overall, I feel pretty okay at the moment. I've just been hitting some bumps lately. But, to go back to being positive, I pat myself on the back for not melting down over them. *And*, I am looking forward to my weekend with the kids. It's going to be good. I think, based on Emma's recent phone call, that they need some time with me just like I need some time with them.


  1. Is Rachel your (former) therapist? I wonder why you feel like you have so many things that you can't talk to your friends about? Is it that you don't trust anyone that much? Is it that you don't feel like you are worth someone's trouble unless you are paying them? Just being nosy.

  2. J.D.-It's less a matter of trust (although trusting people without reserve is not an easy thing for me) than of not feeling comfortable in my ability to determine what they can handle and what's too much. I hate to but I'm going to fall back on blaming it on being a Scorpio. I drift into intensity-land without realizing it sometimes. I'm not sure how I feel about the idea of paying someone to listen vs. talking to a friend.

    Also, nosy goes along with blogs. It's actually nice to see some comments occasionally.