Sunday, September 19, 2010

Day 255

Today was BASL's Swingin' Social and it went really well. Lots of people that don't always get to make the events and even a newbie joined us. It was a pretty successful event and, actually, the whole weekend was good. So wiped out now, basically but I can't seem to fall asleep without getting some thoughts out of my head first.

Sometimes I just don't feel like I know where I fit with everyone or what my purpose in this mixed-up bag that life is. I believe in my own worth and appeal in an intellectual, logical sense. The sense that all of us are valuable and worthwhile, I mean. Sometimes I don't know exactly how that value could be measured in a non-esoteric, every person is special, sense or what my actual contributions to this world/life are. I'm surrounded by artists, activists, parents, workers for social justice in different forms... And, I really do wonder just what I offer that makes me friend-worthy. Seeing it myself and knowing that it's perceived by others are two different things. I always want a scorecard or a system of measurement to use and evaluate these things. "Well, I see you're an A on friendship and listening ability but just a B on the interesting factor. I'll have to sleep on it before I decide what level to award you." I'm not trying to express anger or sadness (although I could understand that interpretation of this post) but to give voice to some of the perplexedness I feel when faced with questions like "What do people always love about you." Mostly I fall back on 'nice' or 'funny' for those but I do think and hope that there's more being seen in my character than just those two terms.

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