Sunday, February 7, 2010

Day 38

So, it was pointed out to me yesterday that I'm often vague and/or indirect in some of my entries. And, despite my deep desire to be mysterious and cryptic (LMAO), that's not entirely positive, in my view. At the same time, I recognize it as true. There is a certain amount of inhibition in some of these blog entries-I don't lay myself entirely bare in them for two reasons. One of the reasons(the more simple one) is that it's entirely possible that people I'd rather not had this kind of window into my life could find this blog via an internet search and there are still people and entities that simply don't get to know everything about my life for practical reasons.

And, the second reason? Most people who know me at all know that I grew up in a very conservative, Evangelical Christian home. There are lots of things that I have from my upbringing that I view as positive (although I'm sure I neglect to mention them very often as I tend to bitch and moan a lot). Ask me about the positives some other time, though, because I just want to fill in a hole for some folks at the moment. One of the most difficult things I've carried into my adulthood from childhood is a fear and disgust for judgment. Conservative politics combined with strict, literal belief in the Christian religion results in an environment filled with emphasis on being 'normal' and following the 'right way' throughout life. As an adult, I've attempted to carve my own way, setting aside the idea of one right path for everyone in my twenties and exploring different religions, different ways of living, in an effort to find the things that are right for me. Of course, being in the middle and at the end of a bad marriage made that exploration more difficult and kept me from expressing certain things that became obvious to me at times. And, the reason why the blog is sometimes less than fully honest is because the change to someone who doesn't care at all about the judgment of others... Well, let's just say that is going to take a long time if I ever fully reach that place at all.

But, moving into the phase of my life I'm in now-one where I have to become increasingly more independent-means that I'm also becoming increasingly weary of and ready to shrug off certain things that I have allowed to hold me back in the past. And, yes, I recognize my complicity in allowing those things and people to hold me back and to keep me wearing an ill-fitting mask. I've come to believe that we make decisions, often, from one of two motives: love or fear. I grew up believing, fearing that honesty and imperfection would cost me the only people in my life who would ever love me even if that love caused me pain or required that I keep quiet about thoughts and feelings that didn't mirror theirs. Fear, not love, drove me. Over the last two years, I've been moving more and more toward a place of love for the person who I really am inside. And, as that grows, fear fades, making it possible for me to say things like, "No, I will not go along with this pattern any longer. It doesn't work for me and I deserve better." And, along with that comes the ability and willingness and strength to let go of those people who can't accept that or who refuse to accept everything about me. There's sadness associated with that, certainly, but learning to love yourself means that you can take those impulses to protect those who don't protect and love you and use them to do that for yourself. It's hard. Some days harder than others but, overall, it results in a far greater feeling of peace than trying to maintain an act ever could.

Now I have to finish baking some cookies and clean my apartment (cause some things never change).

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