Day 116

I'm on the beginning of a sock knitting phase again, I fear. Picked up some great yarn at Knitorious in variegated green shade named (wait for it): Pagan. Love it. Can't wait to use it.

Went hiking out at Castlewood State Park this morning. It was fabulous right up to the last part of the trail which went right down to the banks of the Missouri River. Actually, the trail didn't but it was so close, I couldn't resist leaving the trail and going down to the water for a few minutes. And, even that part (the part where I fell in the mud trying to get back up to the trail) was great. It's just a bit too cold and windy right now for my liking. It'd be nice to go back out there when it's nicer.

Also stopped by the Earth Day festivities at Forest Park for a bit before the rain picked back up. More mud. So, now I'm home and re-re-watching When Harry Met Sally and contemplating whether to use the $5 gift card to Ted Drewes I got for Administrative Assistant's day or eat some of the leftover cookies from yesterday's vegetarian potluck. Trying to choose a potential date for the next one so, I'm open for suggestions there.

That's it for now. More another day, I'm sure.

Day 108

It has been a very long day and week once again. Some bad spots but more good ones, I think. Today started off really well-I visited a state park out near Troy that featured several good walking trails. I've been trying to find ways to get outdoors more and get some exercise and a couple friends' mentions of hiking made me think it might be worth trying. Cuivre River Park has two 1 mile trails that really took me back to that feeling I was trying to capture in my last entry. I didn't find the longer, 2 mile trail until I was leaving the park but a return visit may be in order. I'm kind of wiped out from that and not getting much sleep over the last few days. I had planned on driving down to Cliff Cave park in Arnold tomorrow and seeing what that had to offer but may just make it a lazy/cleaning day. Also, went to the BASL social tonight and had some interesting conversation with that crowd. Slight moment of panic and near-running away from yet another sighting of She-Who-Shall-Remain-Nameless. She'd been on my mind today, as with the last sighting, and the next time that happens, I'm not leaving the apartment. I feel like I should get credit for not acting on that impulse to flee but the fact that it's still there bothers me. It needs to vanish.

I've been thinking a lot about risk vs. responsibility lately, too. Sometimes, I just look at the level quality I've tried to achieve in my life after such a long period of drama and see it as the only reasonable response to having escaped such a roller-coaster existence. Other times (like lately), I think I'm just taking the easy way out and not really living fully. Life, itself, is a risky endeavor, of course. But, I do see some people taking bigger chances, daring more than I seem to have done for a long time and I wonder if they're happier for it. I don't know the answers on this one. Anymore, I pat myself on the back for being daring by pursuing occasional 'play-dates' or by asking someone I'm interested in out. And, those represent big steps for me in some ways. In other ways, though... I had a fair share of big hurt resulting from what seemed like reasonable, manageable risk in the past. It's still hard to shake that off sometimes. We're supposed to learn from the past. How do we do that and not let it direct our future?

Day 102

There is something about Tower Grove Park-no idea what it is exactly but it has something. There are no more peaceful moments these days than I get just sitting under a tree there, letting the sun soak into my skin and breathing in and out. I look around at the weeds, the tulips, the daffodils and it takes me back to the afternoons spent at my grandma and grandpa's, just sitting and looking at all the plants growing out there. Or, creeping around in the woods until Grandma came looking for us, finding little would-be creeks that we all knew better than to set foot in. I remember seeing some of the 'weeds' and thinking they were just as pretty or prettier than some 'flowers' I saw others growing on purpose. The way the water sounds when the wind blows across it, the way the air contained that hint of honeysuckle and wild horseradish... The sweet and the bitter together, making up this collective memory of spring and summer.

Now, when I walk around in T.G., I see all the violets and tiny white flowers carpeting the ground, making it more of a challenge to find a good sitting spot since I can't help but try to walk around them. Every time I visit, I try and find a new place, a new vantage point to enjoy. I keep telling myself to explore, say, Carondelet Park or one of the others around here but, so far, my ability to find something new at T.G. hasn't been exhausted and I keep returning to it. It just has something.

Day 101

It is definitely, finally, spring. It is absolutely beautiful out and I miss having somewhere to plant flowers again. Back when I lived somewhere with a yard (or a balcony like I had at my last apartment) this would be the time I'd be putting out daylilies and trying to coax some tomatoes to grow. Never actually had any success with tomatoes but I did manage to get some flowers to survive. These days I'm making myself content with my rosemary plant. Maybe when the Farmer's market starts up again, I'll find something I can grow indoors and keep the cats out of.

Aside from that tangential thought, I've been trying to throw my resume at all possible jobs and have an interview next Thursday for an admin. position with a nonprofit agency. It means I have to get interview clothes again since almost nothing fits these days.

That's it for now, more later, I'm sure.

Day 97

Must find a new job. It's not the soul-draining experience some of my other jobs have been but it's getting there. I did get a call from HR today about one of the positions on campus I applied for. They said I've got the background for it but wanted to check if I was okay with a lateral move. "HELL YES," I said. (Okay, not really but the thought was there.) I just want to be able to go to PSG in June, that's my immediate, short-term goal. I'd rather stay put until afterward if necessary but, to reiterate: must find a new job.

Oh, and, I visited with the Tuesday knitting group at Cafe Ventana for a bit tonight, after having dinner with Chi. Didn't stay long since I needed to get some clothes washed for the remainder of the week. Trying to set up a summer schedule with Kateri for the Farmer's markets. If I can manage it, that money is just going for savings. I should (fingers crossed) be able to get the money together for an Ireland trip in December by working around every other Saturday.


That's it for today-I'm trying to get back to writing every day but, having fallen off the wagon makes picking the habit back up challenging.

Day 95

Inside (I so hate coming up with titles)

I am encircled and the walls are pressing in
tighterandtighterandtighter
I tuck my arms in, cross them over my heart
Wrists together, fingers clutched
Bow my head, the unsought benediction upon me now.

Images of my beloved, my dream, my grail
Regard me impassively
So near,
So far to go.
The questions:
It's brave to seek again?
To tilt at another: courage?

My eyes are open to it all.

And I feel yours on me
Waiting.
Then, pulling me inexorably back to the just-fled room.

My eyes are open to it all.
And, I push myself again to seek
A more expansive space
Blue in the storm gray sky.

I am encircled and the walls are pressing in.
But I am still I.

Scarred.
Shaken.
Unbroken.