Saturday, April 17, 2010

Day 108

It has been a very long day and week once again. Some bad spots but more good ones, I think. Today started off really well-I visited a state park out near Troy that featured several good walking trails. I've been trying to find ways to get outdoors more and get some exercise and a couple friends' mentions of hiking made me think it might be worth trying. Cuivre River Park has two 1 mile trails that really took me back to that feeling I was trying to capture in my last entry. I didn't find the longer, 2 mile trail until I was leaving the park but a return visit may be in order. I'm kind of wiped out from that and not getting much sleep over the last few days. I had planned on driving down to Cliff Cave park in Arnold tomorrow and seeing what that had to offer but may just make it a lazy/cleaning day. Also, went to the BASL social tonight and had some interesting conversation with that crowd. Slight moment of panic and near-running away from yet another sighting of She-Who-Shall-Remain-Nameless. She'd been on my mind today, as with the last sighting, and the next time that happens, I'm not leaving the apartment. I feel like I should get credit for not acting on that impulse to flee but the fact that it's still there bothers me. It needs to vanish.

I've been thinking a lot about risk vs. responsibility lately, too. Sometimes, I just look at the level quality I've tried to achieve in my life after such a long period of drama and see it as the only reasonable response to having escaped such a roller-coaster existence. Other times (like lately), I think I'm just taking the easy way out and not really living fully. Life, itself, is a risky endeavor, of course. But, I do see some people taking bigger chances, daring more than I seem to have done for a long time and I wonder if they're happier for it. I don't know the answers on this one. Anymore, I pat myself on the back for being daring by pursuing occasional 'play-dates' or by asking someone I'm interested in out. And, those represent big steps for me in some ways. In other ways, though... I had a fair share of big hurt resulting from what seemed like reasonable, manageable risk in the past. It's still hard to shake that off sometimes. We're supposed to learn from the past. How do we do that and not let it direct our future?

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