Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Day 211

Two things happened over the last weekend that have left me feeling much lighter than usual or, at least than I have been recently. One of them, being honest with someone about my feelings toward them was very difficult for me. I just worried right up until the moment I made myself start talking about what the response would be, whether I'd just be laughed at or ridiculed or worse. Okay, I worried about it up until the conversation was just about over. Clearly, I survived and, it was the right thing to do. I have always struggled with and feared rejection and I know that some of my current relationships bear the tension of that since it's kept me from being completely honest with people. It occurred to me, afterward, whether my fear had contributed to the demise of other relationships in the past. I suppose that's not something I need spend much energy on but, it's sort of there, still. But, having been able to step past that fear and open myself up this way-that's got to make being honest in future somewhat easier. After all, none of the truly terrifying things I thought might happen did...

Second thing, much more fun than the first and just as positive in its own way, was going to hang out with Ella Berg and play on the swings. Aside from the fact that we both got lots of fun double entendre stati on FB out of it, we had a really good conversation and it definitely brought that little kid part of me to the surface. She so rarely gets to go play. I know I've spent a lot of time shutting that part of me away out of yet other fears but, just recently, I've been catching more opportunities to let her run around and I think it's probably one of the better things I'm working on lately. It was good. Hopefully, I can find time to do that again soon.

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