"The Wish to be Generous"
by Wendell Berry
ALL that I serve will die, all my delights,
the flesh kindled from my flesh, garden and field,
the silent lilies standing in the woods,
the woods, the hill, the whole earth, all
will burn in man's evil, or dwindle
in its own age. Let the world bring on me
the sleep of darkness without stars, so I may know
my little light taken from me into the seed
of the beginning and the end, so I may bow
to mystery, and take my stand on the earth
like a tree in a field, passing without haste
or regret toward what will be, my life
a patient willing descent into the grass.
This was on my mind today-one of my favorite poems. And, since you're still not getting to read something of mine, I thought I'd share. It is especially odd to me that I had this running through my head well before the phone call I got this evening that my father (with whom I have a strange, tenuous relationship) is in the hospital with Congestive Heart Failure. I don't really know much at the moment about where he is in terms of progression and I don't really know how to label all the things I'm feeling with regard to him and what it means. I'm kind of floating from one jumbled feeling to the next at the moment. I feel like getting some pent-up energy out and maybe going to the gym will help.
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When a parent you don't particularly get along with gets ill, its natural to feel torn by a slew of emotions. You might even feel guilty that you don't feel like the illness has made much of an impact upon your life like it should have considering this is your father, but do not focus too much on how you should be feeling. Its an allusion; there is no right emotion for this situation. Whatever you feel is exactly what needs to be felt and if you need me, I'm here for you. *hugs*
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