Saturday, January 16, 2010

Day 16

This is probably the bitchiest blog I've written to date. (Consider yourselves warned) The list of people I truly trust is small. Sadly, it seems to be getting smaller lately. Back when I was married, I believed that people I loved should get as many chances as they needed, as many do-overs as necessary. I said that was conditional upon genuine contrition but I didn't really mean it. And, despite trying to create and maintain a facade of independence and strength, I pretty much failed at the consistency thing. I let rules be changed and adjusted to suit the people I loved and who I wanted to love me back, figuring that, at some point, it would all pay off and I would receive the acceptance, support and understanding I deserved. (Think the last scene in It's a Wonderful Life) Even during occasional moments of clarity, where I'd attempt to establish a boundary or some rules to protect myself so that I could avoid getting hurt by these people (the ones who are supposed to be the ones you turn to when things are rough), I never managed to consistently enforce those boundaries and rules over time. That's mostly because I want it so much. I want so much to have that sense of ease and security that comes with knowing you're surrounded by people who accept and value you exactly as you are. No judgment, no desire to change you so that you're more acceptable or more like them. I wanted it so much that I was willing to accept the scraps and pale imitations of it that I kept getting handed and that it kept me in a bad marriage for 11 years and has kept me beating my head against a solid brick wall for much, much longer. I'm done now. I finally feel done with trying to get people who wouldn't choose me for who I am to love and accept me. I want to be able to know that the people I let in are there because they want to be, because I'm someone they'd choose and not because of a simple twist of fate or a sense of obligation. It feels so much better to realize that there are people like that out there who may actually want me with all my flaws and insecurities and failings and to begin changing my expectations, moving them away from where they're never going to be understood, let alone fulfilled beyond the scraps I tried to satisfy myself with for so long.

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