Thursday, January 21, 2010

Day 21

Thinking about control a lot today. It's true that, given how out-of-control my life has been in the past, I struggle with trying to maintain a certain level of control over things. I see it a lot in little things I do on a daily basis but it's even clearer when I feel my autonomy being threatened, even in small ways. I like being the one who determines where I go, how long I stay there, when I'm home, when I'm going out, etc. And, I realize that sounds like a given for a lot of people. Who else would be determining those things? Maybe everyone has that issue to a certain degree. For me, it sometimes presents a challenge and, when I can step back and view it with a certain amount of detachment, I find it interesting that, on one hand, I'm encouraging myself more to accept and even embrace change while still acknowledging the need I feel to control my environment. It's one of the reasons I feel a push to get out of the house even if the weather isn't cooperating (No, I don't mean I'll go drive in a blizzard when the roads aren't plowed). But, the idea of being stuck at home, with the weather dictating what I'm able to do-I hate that. And, yet, as someone following a Pagan path, I'm gradually learning to embrace the changes the wheel of the year brings, to see beauty in the very things that in some ways challenge me the most and even to celebrate them as the year progresses.

How's that for an insight into the ambiguity in my head? I guess it's a long-winded way of saying that I recognize my human frailty as it pushes me in one direction but am still trying to keep it from inhibiting my growth and increasing ability to accept the changes around me that I am simply a part of and far too small to control.

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